Good things come in small packages. That’s definitely the case with these 101 short jokes. They’re diminutive in size but packing a hilarious punch. They’re perfect to share with your family and friends.
At Yellow Octopus, we have a fun online store. And it definitely isn’t short of awesome gifts and gadgets.
With these short jokes, there’s no shortage of laughter!
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How lazy was the person who named the fireplace?
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I threw a boomerang a while back. Now I live in constant fear.
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How do you keep an idiot in suspense?
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Sometimes I tuck my knees into my chest and lean forward. That’s just how I roll.
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“I was playing chess with my friend and he said, ‘Let’s make this interesting’. So we stopped playing chess.” — Tim Vine
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It takes a lot of balls to golf like me.
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A fortune teller told me I’d suffer a terrible heartache in 12 years. To cheer myself up I bought a puppy.
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“My grandfather invented the cold air balloon. It never really took off.” — Milton Jones
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My parents gave me Lego for Christmas and said, “Make what you like of it.”
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I saw a guy spill all his Scrabble letters on the road. I asked him, “What’s the word on the street?”
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“I hate sitting in traffic, because I always get run over.” — Milton Jones
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I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather. Not screaming in terror like the passengers in his car.
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I went on a once in a lifetime holiday. Never again.
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They all laughed when I said I wanted to be a comedian. Well, they’re not laughing now.
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I’m friends with 25 letters of the alphabet. I don’t know why.
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I have an inferiority complex. But it’s not a very good one.
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Shout out to anyone wondering what the opposite of in is.
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I told my teacher whiteboards are remarkable.
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Why did the chicken cross the road? To social distance.
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There’s no I in team, but there’s 4 in Individual Victory.
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On a scale of 1 to stepping on Lego, how much pain are you in?
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This is my step-ladder. I never knew my real ladder.
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Slugs are snails that have been through divorce. Yep, she got the house.
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The toilet paper crisis confirms we have more arseholes than we thought.
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I bought my co-worker a get better soon card. He’s not sick, I just think he could do better.
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I named my toilet Jim. That way I can say I go to the Jim every morning.
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What did the ocean say to the sea? Nothing, it just waved. Did you sea what I did there? Shore.
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I was raised as an only child. It really annoyed my sister.
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My Dad said money can’t buy happiness. So I bought him a Happy Meal.
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To horse ride or not. That is the equestrian. — Mark Simmons
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At a fun run, I saw a runner dressed as a chicken and another dressed as an egg. I thought this was going to be interesting.
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“My granny was recently beaten to death by my grandad. Not as in, with a stick – he just died first.” — Alex Horne
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My Mum said I wasn’t cut out to be a mime. Me,“ was it something I said.”
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“People who use selfie sticks really need to have a good, long look at themselves.” — Abi Roberts
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I feel sorry for those people who have to go to court and their parents didn’t even bother to name them.
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I asked at the library if they had a book about turtles. She said, “ hard back.” I said, “Yeh, and little heads”.
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“Words can’t express how much I hate World Emoji Day.” — Christian Talbot
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It must be tough to work at Centrelink. If you get sacked you still have to come in the next day.
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“Insomnia is awful. But on the plus side – only three more sleeps till Christmas.” — Robert Garnham
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I was deflated when my girlfriend said the strongest thing about me was my password.
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I love my computer. All my friends live in there.
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“Red sky at night: shepherd’s delight. Blue sky at night: day.” — Tom Parry
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The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list.
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It takes a lot of pluck to work at a chicken factory.
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My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-b#tch.
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How embarrassing is it when you’re swimming at the beach and a piece of seaweed touches your leg and you scream like a shark bit you?
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I hated the smell of elevators when I was a little kid.
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I, for one, like Roman numerals.
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You’re never completely useless. You can always act as a bad example.
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No matter how much you push the envelope, it will always be stationary.
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My doctor said I had to watch my weight because obesity ran in my family. I said no one runs in my family.
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I had a hunch the teacher was going to single me out for my bad posture.
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Just burned 2000 calories. Nothing worse than charcoaled brownies.
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Losers sometimes triumph. Just ask the second mouse to the mousetrap.
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My girlfriend treats me like God. She ignores my existence and only talks to me when she needs something.
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Doctor: “I’ve got good news and bad news for you.” Patient: “Give me the good news first.” Doctor: “ You’ve only got 24 hours to live.” Patient: “ Oh my God, what’s the bad news. Doctor: “I was meant to ring you yesterday.”
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I sued the airline for losing my luggage. I lost my case.
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My boss confuses me. First he says never give up on your dreams. Then he chews me out for sleeping in.
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Why do they lock service station toilets? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
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What’s the difference between in-laws and outlaws? Outlaws are wanted.
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Someday when scientists discover the center of the universe, many people are going to be disappointed to find out it isn’t them.
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When you choke a smurf, what colour does it turn?
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Why is it called Alcoholics ANONYMOUS when the first thing you do is stand up and say, ‘My name is Peter and I am an alcoholic’.
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The trouble with being punctual is that nobody’s there to appreciate it.
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Why do grandparents and grandkids get on so well? They have a common enemy.
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I got arrested at the airport last week. Apparently, security doesn’t appreciate it when you call “shotgun” before boarding a plane.
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Why, if the number 2 is the most popular pencil, is it still number 2?
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I told my girlfriend she put her eyebrows on too high. She looked surprised.
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What’s the difference between ignorance and apathy.I don’t know and I don’t care.
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Did you hear about the perfectionist who walked into a bar? Apparently the bar was set too high.
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My girlfriend and I laugh about how competitive we are. But I laugh more.
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My professor accused me of plagiarism. His words, not mine.
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The other day I told a girl she looked great without glasses. She said she didn’t wear glasses. I said I know, but I do.
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I can share all my secrets with my husband. It’s great. He never listens to anything I say.
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To this day the boy who bullied me at school still takes my lunch money. To be fair though, he makes a great Subway sandwich.
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My wife and I share a sense of humour. We have to because she hasn’t got one.
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I silently farted in an elevator. It was wrong on so many levels.
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My mum told me to turn down the music. I said that’s sound advice.
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People think being unemployed is a negative thing. I told them there were lots of benefits.
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When I see lovers’ names carved in a tree I don’t think that’s cute. I think how scary it is that they brought a knife on a date.
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I’m worried about one of my testicles. It’s quite a bit bigger than the other two.
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Did you know men use 9,000 words a day and women use 30,000? The trouble is by the time men get home from work they’ve used up their 9,000 and women have only just started using their 30,000.
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I told a girl in my class I’d follow her anywhere. She said I’m a stalker.
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My Mum says I became too big for my boots when I became a doctor. But she must still love me. She puts an apple in my lunch everyday.
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Me: I’ve got a great knock knock joke but you’ve got to start it off. You: Ok. Knock, knock. Me: Who’s there? You: ???
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Met a spider today. Turns out he’s a web designer.
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In a job interview I was asked if I could perform Under Pressure. I said I’d rather do Bohemian Rhapsody.
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“I think it’s wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly.” — Steven Wright
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“Onions make me sad. A lot of people don’t realize that.” — Mitch Hedberg
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Ikea sponsored our school. It used to take ages to set up for assembly.
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My friend asked me how I thought the year would go. I said I don’t know, I haven’t got 2020 vision.
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My English teacher said I should read more. I put the subtitles on the TV.
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Where’s the best place to hide a dead body? On the second page of Google: nobody ever looks there.
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Doctor says to the patient, “Sorry to say but you’ve only got three minutes to live.” Patient, “What can you do for me?” Doctor, “Boil you an egg!”
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We were standing behind a fat lady in the queue when her phone beeped. My son said, “Look out Mum, she’s reversing.”
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Police quickly solved the issue of the stolen luggage. It was an open and shut case.
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I failed my driver’s test today. The instructor asked me “What do you do at a red light?” I said “I usually check my emails and see what people are up to on Facebook.”
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Running away doesn’t help you with your problems… unless you’re fat.
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I’m going to stand outside. So if anyone asks, I am outstanding.
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If women ruled the world there would be no wars. Just a bunch of jealous countries not talking to each other.
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My Dad suggested I register for the organ donation scheme. He’s a man after my own heart.
At Yellow Octopus we have a wonderful assortment of gifts, from the weird and the wonderful to the quaint and the quirky. Just like these short jokes, our gifts and gadgets put a smile on your face.