101 New Short Jokes That Are Big On Laughs

Good things come in small packages. That’s definitely the case with these 101 short jokes. They’re diminutive in size but packing a hilarious punch. They’re perfect to share with your family and friends. 

At Yellow Octopus, we have a fun online store. And it definitely isn’t short of awesome gifts and gadgets

With these short jokes, there’s no shortage of laughter!

  1. How lazy was the person who named the fireplace?

  2. I threw a boomerang a while back. Now I live in constant fear.

  3. How do you keep an idiot in suspense?

  4. Sometimes I tuck my knees into my chest and lean forward. That’s just how I roll.

  5. “I was playing chess with my friend and he said, ‘Let’s make this interesting’. So we stopped playing chess.” — Tim Vine

  6. It takes a lot of balls to golf like me.

  7.  A fortune teller told me I’d suffer a terrible heartache in 12 years. To cheer myself up I bought a puppy.

  8. “My grandfather invented the cold air balloon. It never really took off.” — Milton Jones

  9. My parents gave me Lego for Christmas and said, “Make what you like of it.”

  10. I saw a guy spill all his Scrabble letters on the road. I asked him, “What’s the word on the street?”

  11. “I hate sitting in traffic, because I always get run over.” — Milton Jones

  12. I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather. Not screaming in terror like the passengers in his car.

  13. I went on a once in a lifetime holiday. Never again.

  14. They all laughed when I said I wanted to be a comedian. Well, they’re not laughing now.

  15. I’m friends with 25 letters of the alphabet. I don’t know why.

  16. I have an inferiority complex. But it’s not a very good one.

  17. Shout out to anyone wondering what the opposite of in is.

  18. I told my teacher whiteboards are remarkable.

  19. Why did the chicken cross the road? To social distance.

  20. There’s no I in team, but there’s 4 in Individual Victory.

  21. On a scale of 1 to stepping on Lego, how much pain are you in?

  22. This is my step-ladder. I never knew my real ladder.

  23. Slugs are snails that have been through divorce. Yep, she got the house.

  24. The toilet paper crisis confirms we have more arseholes than we thought.

  25. I bought my co-worker a get better soon card. He’s not sick, I just think he could do better.

  26. I named my toilet Jim. That way I can say I go to the Jim every morning.

  27. What did the ocean say to the sea? Nothing, it just waved. Did you sea what I did there? Shore.

  28. I was raised as an only child. It really annoyed my sister.

  29. My Dad said money can’t buy happiness. So I bought him a Happy Meal.

  30. To horse ride or not. That is the equestrian. — Mark Simmons

  31.  At a fun run, I saw a runner dressed as a chicken and another dressed as an egg. I thought this was going to be interesting.

  32. “My granny was recently beaten to death by my grandad. Not as in, with a stick – he just died first.” — Alex Horne

  33. My Mum said I wasn’t cut out to be a mime. Me,“ was it something I said.”

  34. “People who use selfie sticks really need to have a good, long look at themselves.” — Abi Roberts

  35. I feel sorry for those people who have to go to court and their parents didn’t even bother to name them.

  36. I asked at the library if they had a book about turtles. She said, “ hard back.” I said, “Yeh, and little heads”.

  37. “Words can’t express how much I hate World Emoji Day.” — Christian Talbot

  38. It must be tough to work at Centrelink. If you get sacked you still have to come in the next day.

  39. “Insomnia is awful. But on the plus side – only three more sleeps till Christmas.” — Robert Garnham

  40. I was deflated when my girlfriend said the strongest thing about me was my password.

  41. I love my computer. All my friends live in there.

  42. “Red sky at night: shepherd’s delight. Blue sky at night: day.” — Tom Parry

  43. The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list.

  44. It takes a lot of pluck to work at a chicken factory.

  45. My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-b#tch.

  46. How embarrassing is it when you’re swimming at the beach and a piece of seaweed touches your leg and you scream like a shark bit you?

  47. I hated the smell of elevators when I was a little kid.

  48. I, for one, like Roman numerals.

  49. You’re never completely useless. You can always act as a bad example.

  50. No matter how much you push the envelope, it will always be stationary.

  51. My doctor said I had to watch my weight because obesity ran in my family. I said no one runs in my family.

  52. I had a hunch the teacher was going to single me out for my bad posture.

  53. Just burned 2000 calories. Nothing worse than charcoaled brownies.

  54. Losers sometimes triumph. Just ask the second mouse to the mousetrap.

  55. My girlfriend treats me like God. She ignores my existence and only talks to me when she needs something.

  56. Doctor: “I’ve got good news and bad news for you.” Patient: “Give me the good news first.” Doctor: “ You’ve only got 24 hours to live.” Patient: “ Oh my God, what’s the bad news. Doctor: “I was meant to ring you yesterday.”

  57. I sued the airline for losing my luggage. I lost my case.

  58. My boss confuses me. First he says never give up on your dreams. Then he chews me out for sleeping in.

  59. Why do they lock service station toilets? Are they afraid someone will clean them?

  60. What’s the difference between in-laws and outlaws? Outlaws are wanted.

  61. Someday when scientists discover the center of the universe, many people are going to be disappointed to find out it isn’t them.

  62. When you choke a smurf, what colour does it turn?

  63. Why is it called Alcoholics ANONYMOUS when the first thing you do is stand up and say, ‘My name is Peter and I am an alcoholic’.

  64. The trouble with being punctual is that nobody’s there to appreciate it.

  65. Why do grandparents and grandkids get on so well? They have a common enemy.

  66. I got arrested at the airport last week. Apparently, security doesn’t appreciate it when you call “shotgun” before boarding a plane.

  67. Why, if the number 2 is the most popular pencil, is it still number 2?

  68. I told my girlfriend she put her eyebrows on too high. She looked surprised.

  69. What’s the difference between ignorance and apathy.I don’t know and I don’t care.

  70. Did you hear about the perfectionist who walked into a bar? Apparently the bar was set too high.

  71. My girlfriend and I laugh about how competitive we are. But I laugh more.

  72. My professor accused me of plagiarism. His words, not mine.

  73. The other day I told a girl she looked great without glasses. She said she didn’t wear glasses. I said I know, but I do.

  74. I can share all my secrets with my husband. It’s great. He never listens to anything I say.

  75. To this day the boy who bullied me at school still takes my lunch money. To be fair though, he makes a great Subway sandwich.

  76. My wife and I share a sense of humour. We have to because she hasn’t got one.

  77. I silently farted in an elevator. It was wrong on so many levels.

  78. My mum told me to turn down the music. I said that’s sound advice.

  79. People think being unemployed is a negative thing. I told them there were lots of benefits.

  80. When I see lovers’ names carved in a tree I don’t think that’s cute. I think how scary it is that they brought a knife on a date.

  81. I’m worried about one of my testicles. It’s quite a bit bigger than the other two.

  82. Did you know men use 9,000 words a day and women use 30,000? The trouble is by the time men get home from work they’ve used up their 9,000 and women have only just started using their 30,000.

  83. I told a girl in my class I’d follow her anywhere. She said I’m a stalker.

  84. My Mum says I became too big for my boots when I became a doctor. But she must still love me. She puts an apple in my lunch everyday.

  85. Me: I’ve got a great knock knock joke but you’ve got to start it off. You: Ok. Knock, knock. Me: Who’s there? You: ???

  86. Met a spider today. Turns out he’s a web designer.

  87. In a job interview I was asked if I could perform Under Pressure. I said I’d rather do Bohemian Rhapsody. 

  88.  “I think it’s wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly.” — Steven Wright

  89. “Onions make me sad. A lot of people don’t realize that.” — Mitch Hedberg

  90. Ikea sponsored our school. It used to take ages to set up for assembly.

  91. My friend asked me how I thought the year would go. I said I don’t know, I haven’t got 2020 vision.

  92. My English teacher said I should read more. I put the subtitles on the TV.

  93. Where’s the best place to hide a dead body? On the second page of Google: nobody ever looks there.

  94. Doctor says to the patient, “Sorry to say but you’ve only got three minutes to live.” Patient, “What can you do for me?” Doctor, “Boil you an egg!”

  95. We were standing behind a fat lady in the queue when her phone beeped. My son said, “Look out Mum, she’s reversing.”

  96. Police quickly solved the issue of the stolen luggage. It was an open and shut case.

  97. I failed my driver’s test today. The instructor asked me “What do you do at a red light?” I said “I usually check my emails and see what people are up to on Facebook.”

  98. Running away doesn’t help you with your problems… unless you’re fat.

  99. I’m going to stand outside. So if anyone asks, I am outstanding.

  100. If women ruled the world there would be no wars. Just a bunch of jealous countries not talking to each other.

  101. My Dad suggested I register for the organ donation scheme. He’s a man after my own heart.


At Yellow Octopus we have a wonderful assortment of gifts, from the weird and the wonderful to the quaint and the quirky. Just like these short jokes, our gifts and gadgets put a smile on your face.