So you think you’re ready for Mother’s Day. You have your card, your present, you made breakfast in bed… but where’s your Mother’s Day jokes?
Your Mum knows you’ll tell her those two lots of three words: ‘Happy Mother’s Day’ & ‘I Love You’. They’re a given. But she won’t be expecting a bunch of hilarious Mother’s Day jokes. You can even write them inside the card!
Transform your Mothers Day Card from drab to fab with our selection of the funniest smile-inducing Mother’s Day Jokes from across the web! Whether you’re after something sweet or downright cheeky, we’ve got heaps of each and everything in between!
75 Outrageous Mother’s Day Jokes That Will Have Your Mum Crying With Laughter
A mother said to her son, “Look at that kid over there; he’s not misbehaving.” The son replied, “Maybe he has good parents then!”
Daughter: Mum, what’s it like to have the greatest daughter in the world?
Mum: I don’t know dear, you’d have to ask Grandma.
To Mum: I’m hungry, I’m tired, I’m cold, I’m hot, Can I have…, Where are you?
To Dad: Where’s Mum?
Bought my Mum a mug which says, “Happy Mother’s day from the World’s Worst Son”.
I forgot to mail it but I think she knows.
Mothers with teenagers know why animals eat their young.
A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says, “That’s the ugliest baby that I’ve ever seen. Ugh!” The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her, “The driver just insulted me!” The man says, “You go right up there and tell him off – go ahead, I’ll hold your monkey for you.”
A: I have the perfect son.
B: Does he smoke?
A: No, he doesn’t.
B: Does he drink whiskey?
A: No, he doesn’t.
B: Does he ever come home late?
A: No, he doesn’t.
B: I guess you really do have the perfect son. How old is he?
A: He will be six months old next Wednesday.
A kid asks his dad, “What’s a man?” The dad says, “A man is someone who is responsible and cares for their family.” The kid says, “I hope one day I can be a man just like mom!”
Two children ordered their mother to stay in bed one Mother’s Day morning. As she lay there looking forward to breakfast in bed, the smell of bacon floated up from the kitchen. But after a good long wait she finally went downstairs to investigate. She found them both sitting at the table eating bacon and eggs. “As a surprise for Mother’s Day,” one explained, “We decided to cook our own breakfast.”
Fred is 32 years old and he is still single.
One day a friend asked, “Why aren’t you married? Can’t you find a woman who will be a good wife?”
Fred replied, “Actually, I’ve found many women I wanted to marry, but when I bring them home to meet my parents, my mother doesn’t like them.”
His friend thinks for a moment and says, “I’ve got the perfect solution, just find a girl who’s just like your mother.”
A few months later they meet again and his friend says, “Did you find the perfect girl? Did your mother like her?”
With a frown on his face, Fred answers, “Yes, I found the perfect girl. She was just like my mother. You were right, my mother liked her very much.”
The friend said, “Then what’s the problem?”
Fred replied, “My father doesn’t like her.”
A family was having dinner on Mother’s Day but the mother was unusually quiet. Finally, her husband asked what was wrong.
“Nothing,” said the woman.
Not believing her, he asked again. “No seriously, what’s wrong?”
Finally she said, “Do you really want to know? Well, I’ll tell you. I have cooked and cleaned and fed the kids for 15 years and on Mother’s Day, you don’t even tell me so much as ‘Thank you.'”
“Why should I?” he said. “Not once in 15 years have I had a Father’s Day gift.”
“Yes,” she said, “but I’m their real mother.”
Mother to son: I’m warning you. If you fall out of that tree and break both your legs, don’t come running to me!
Two men are talking and one says to the other, “My wife’s doctor says she has menopause, and, man, has she been moody lately. How long do the symptoms of menopause usually last?” The other man replies, “Let me put it this way: menopause will be listed as the cause on your death certificate.”
A little girl asked her mum, “How did the human race appear?”
Mum answered, “God made Adam and Eve and they had children, and so was all mankind made …”
Two days later the girl asked her Dad the same question.
Dad answered, “Many years ago there were monkeys from which the human race evolved.”
The confused girl returned to her mum and said, “Mum, how is it possible that you told me the human race was created by God, and Dad said they developed from monkeys?”
The mother answered, “Well, dear, it is very simple. I told you about my side of the family and your father told you about his!”
Why is Mother’s Day before Father’s Day?
So the kids can spend all their Christmas money on Mum.
Son: When is Mother’s Day Dad?
Dad wearily unplugging the vacuum, “Every day son, every day.”
A mother is trying to get her son to eat carrots. “Carrots are good for your eyes,” she says.
“How do you know?” the son asks.
The mother replies, “Have you ever seen a rabbit wearing glasses?”
Definiton: Jumper – something you wear when your mother gets cold.
Mum: The amazing ability to hear a sneeze through 3 closed doors in the middle of the night, three bedrooms away… while Daddy snores next to you.
“If evolution really works, how come Mothers only have two hands?”
A kid walks up to his mom and asks, “Mom, can I go bungee jumping?” The mom says “No, you were born from broken rubber and I don’t want you to go out the same way!”
Chris: Why is a computer so smart?
Mom: It listens to its motherboard.
“It is never easy being a mother. If it were easy, fathers would do it.”
“If your kids are giving you a headache, follow the directions on the aspirin bottle, especially the part that says ‘keep away from children’”|
“Sweater, n.: garment worn by child when its mother is feeling chilly.”
– Ambrose Bierce
Why is Daenarys Stormborn the patron saint of Mother’s Day?
Because she’s the mother of all dragons
My Mum’s best dish is store bought chocolate cookies.
“You will always be your child’s favourite toy.”
– Vicki Lansky
“People who say they sleep like a baby don’t have one.”
“Happy Mother’s Day. Sorry I wrecked your vagina.”
Son: “Mum, stop making jokes you’re not funny.”
Mum: “I made you.”
Daughter: Mum, I need my personal space!
Mum: You came out of my personal space.
“Son: Mum, Dad keeps making Dad jokes!
Son: So, what’s a Mum joke?
Mum: “Look in the Mirror, dear.”
I saw Mummy asking Santa why he didn’t put his dishes in the dishwasher.
Sunday school teacher: Tell me, Johnny. Do you say prayers before eating?
Johnny: No, ma’am, I don’t have to. My Mum’s a good cook.
A boy goes to a strip club.
Mum: Did u see anything there that u were not supposed to see?
BOY: Yes, I saw dad!
Why don’t they have Mother’s Day sales?
Because Mothers are priceless.
What’s the difference between Superman and Mothers?
Superman’s just a superhero now and then. Mums are superheroes all the time.
What three words solves Dad’s every problem?
Ask your mother.
What’s the hardest thing your mother makes you swallow?
The fact they’re always right.
Annie thing you can do, Mum can do better.
Water you doing for Mother’s Day?
Knock, knock! Who’s there? Justin!
Justin time for Mother’s Day
I shouted to my Mum on Mother’s Day, “How does breakfast in bed sound?”
She said, “Ooh that sounds lovely!
I said, “Great, I’ll have bacon, fries and two eggs.”
I asked Mum what she wanted for Mother’s Day.
She said, “ A bit of care and comfort”
So I put her in a nursing home.
I really wanted a games console so I presented my Mum with a Playstation 4 for Mother’s Day.
She said, “Why am I not surprised?”
I said, “‘Because there’s no wrapping paper?”
“One days vacation a year, that’s all I get!” queries the woman.
Boss, “ Well we call it Mother’s Day and technically you still have to work.”
“I bet Mother’s Day gets really awkward and confusing on Game of Thrones.”
Why do Mothers have to have two visits to the optometrist?
Because they also have eyes in the back of their head.
For weeks a six-year-old lad kept telling his first-grade teacher about the baby brother or sister that was expected at his house.
One day the mother allowed the boy to feel the movements of the unborn child. The six-year old was obviously impressed, but made no comment. Furthermore, he stopped telling his teacher about the impending event.
The teacher finally sat the boy on her lap and said, “Tommy, whatever has become of that baby brother or sister you were expecting at home?”
Tommy burst into tears and confessed, “I think Mummy ate it!”
One day, a little girl is sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly notices that her mother has several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast to her brunette hair. She looks at her mother and inquisitively asks: “Why are some of your hairs white, Mum?”
Her mother replied: “Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white.”
The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then asked: “Mumma, how come all of grandma’s hairs are white?”
A mother’s sacrifice isn’t giving birth. It’s nine months without wine.
Happy Mother’s Day to someone who spoils me and then complains about how spoiled I am.
Why are you drinking wine out of a coffee mug?
I have to it was getting embarrassing. Everytime Lucy saw a wine glass she would point and cry out Mummy, Mummy!
The family were disappointed with their Mother’s Day celebrations on the moon. The food was terrific but the restaurant lacked atmosphere.
Children: You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 years telling them to sit down and shut-up.
Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says “If an emergency, notify:” I put “DOCTOR”. What’s my mother going to do?
Mother: Why is there a strange baby in the crib?
Daughter: You told me to change the baby.
1st baby: You begin wearing maternity clothes as soon as your OB/GYN confirms your pregnancy.
2nd baby: You wear your regular clothes for as long as possible.
3rd baby: Your maternity clothes ARE your regular clothes.
How do your kids know that you’re cross with them?
You use their full name.
9 Things Mum Would Never Say
- “How on earth can you see the TV sitting so far back?”
- “Yeah, I used to skip school a lot, too.”
- “Just leave all the lights on … it makes the house look more cheery.”
- “Let me smell that shirt — Yeah, it’s good for another week.”
- “Go ahead and keep that stray dog, honey. I’ll be glad to feed and walk him every day.”
- “Well, if Rahul’s mamma says it’s OK, that’s good enough for me.”
- “The curfew is just a general time to shoot for. It’s not like I’m running a prison around here.”
- “I don’t have a tissue with me… just use your sleeve.”
- “Don’t bother wearing a jacket – the wind-chill is bound to improve.”
Elephant: Why do mother kangaroos hate rainy days?
Hippo: I give up.
Elephant: Because their kids have to play inside!
A mother mouse and a baby mouse are walking along when suddenly a cat attacks them. The mother mouse shouts “BARK!” and the cat runs away. “See?” the mother mouse says to her baby. “Now do you see why it’s important to learn a foreign language?”
Little Girl to her friend: “I’m never having kids. I hear they take nine months to download.”
There’s a debate about when a fetus is considered a real person. For Jewish mothers, it’s not until the child enters medical school.
What did the mother rope say to her child?…“Don’t be knotty.”
What did the digital clock say to its mother?… “Look, Ma! No hands!”
Q: Why do Jewish mothers make great parole officers?
A: They never let anyone finish a sentence!
Boy: Hey mum can I have 100 dollars?
Mum: Son money doesn’t grow on trees
Boy: Where does money come from?
Boy: Does Paper come from?
Q: What did mommy spider say to baby spider?
A: You spend too much time on the web.
“Mom, are bugs good to eat?” asked the boy. “Let’s not talk about such things at the dinner table, son,” his mother replied. After dinner the mother inquired, “Now, baby, what did you want to ask me?” “Oh, nothing,” the boy said. “There was a bug in your soup, but now it’s gone.”
Q: What did the mother broom say to the baby broom? A: It’s time to go to sweep!
Need A Gift To Go With Your Favourite Mother’s Day Jokes?
Need the perfect gift for the most important woman in your life? Check out the range of quirky, cute, classic, modern, funny and educational Mothers Day Gifts over at Yellow Octopus, the home of Gifts & Gadgets!