We love to be scared half to death and we love a laugh on Halloween. Here’s the opportunity to combine the two. While you’re getting the kids ready for trick and treating, with costumes, props and lolly bags, be the court jester and make them laugh, roll their eyes and groan… See, they’re already turning into little monsters.
Halloween Jokes For Kids
Be a Funny Mummy or a Devilish Dad with these wicked winners.
> What do mummies like listening to on Halloween?
> What happens to trees on Halloween?
They become petrified.
> What rides do ghosts love at the amusement park?
The Scary-Go-Round and the RollerGhoster.
> Why don’t skeletons like trick or treat?
They haven’t got the stomach for it.
> Where on a street do vampires live?
The dead end.
> Who was the best dancer at the Halloween party?
The Boogie Man.
> Why do they put big fences around cemeteries?
Because people are dying to get in.
> Where should you go if zombies break into your house?
The living room.
> Why don’t mummies make friends?
Because they’re too wrapped up in themselves.
> Why are ghosts bad liars?
Because you can see right through them.
> Why do vampires use mouthwash?
Because they have bat breath.
> How do monsters know their future?
They read their horrorscopes.
> Why does rain annoy ghosts on Halloween?
It dampens their spirits.
> Why did the ghost have to wait patiently at the doctors?
Because the doctor couldn’t see him right now.
> Why did the werewolf get indigestion?
He wolfed his food down.
> Why don’t mummies take holidays?
They’re afraid of unwinding.
> Did you hear about the book on Halloween?
It was written by a ghostwriter.
> What sandwich terrifies vampires?
A stake sandwich.
> Did you hear about the vampires on Married at First Sight?
It really was love at first bite.
> What did one ghost say to the other ghost.
Do you believe in people?
> Why did the vampire go to the electronics store?
To buy a giant plasma set.
> What do ghosts love for dessert?
I-scream and booberry pie.
> Where do witches learn their spells?
> Why are gremlins always at the gym?
So they can stay trim enough to fit under beds.
> Where do baby ghosts go during the day?
Halloween Jokes for Older Ghouls
And while the kids are out treating, invite the neighbours around for BBQ and boos. Amongst all the ghouls and ghosts you can be the ‘life’ of the party with a stream of devilish jokes and one liners. Here’s to being dead funny.
> Why wouldn’t the barman get the ghost a drink?
Because they didn’t serve spirits.
> What do you call two witches living together?
> Why do witches make great wives?
Because they promise a wonderful hex life.
> Vampires sleep all day. Fly wherever they want for free. Can’t see themselves in a mirror.
Where do I sign up?
> What words of wisdom did Mum give to her kids on Halloween night?
Remember kids, I like Snickers, M and M’s and Peanut Butter Cups.
> What did the old lady say to Death?
> What did the witch say to her new husband?
Take a good look, it’s the only time you’ll see me holding a broom.
> Why don’t vampires strike at retirement homes?
Because everyone’s on blood thinners.
> What did the monster say to Dr. Frankenstein?
You complete me.
> What did the ghost say to the psychiatrist?
I used to be somebody.
> What do ghosts call irons?
> What did the witch say at the Department of Motor Vehicles?
As a matter of fact, I can drive a stick.
> Why did the ghost cross the road?
To get to the others side.
> Why was the ghost arrested?
> That awkward moment when a zombie is looking for brains and it walks right past you.
> If one door opens when another one closes, then your house is haunted.
> Did you hear about the teenage ghost who lay on the couch all day?
It was a case of paranormal inactivity.
> Why wouldn’t they let the Grim Reaper in the sauna?
He always ended up looking like death warmed-up.
> My Grandma always makes a big effort for Halloween. Cobwebs on the ceiling, dead insects in the windows, a skeleton on the couch. Pity she wasn’t home.
> It’s crazy out there! I’ve just killed 25 zombies so far! And why the hell are they all carrying candy?
> I visited a real graveyard today. I logged onto Google Plus.
So to make sure your next Halloween is a fright to remember here’s some awesomely frightening props. Like Borat, you’ll be the centre of attention in a Official Borat Mankini Swimsuit or a Donald Trump Party Mask. Hard to be scarier than that. What about serving boos in a Hidden Spider Creature Cup or an Alcohol Shot Gun? That’ll ensure the parties a blast. And what kid wouldn’t love a Hogwarts Animatronic Talking Sorting Hat. So don’t make a grave mistake and leave your Halloween shopping until it’s tooOOOooOOoo late.
BONUS: Signs You’re Too Old For Trick Or Treating
1. People say, “great mask” and you’re not wearing one.
2. When the door opens and you yell, “Trick or……….” and you can’t remember the rest.
3. By the end of the night you have a bag full of restraining orders.
4. When you have to ask for soft candy only because of your dentures.
5. When they ask if you want a trick or treat and you say wine.