100 Amazing Short & Funny Quotes

Everyone loves a funny quote. Why? Because we all love a belly laugh – even if we get funny looks on the train. Even the subtle, funny quotes still bring a wry smile and a nod of the head. They get you thinking, “Yep, been there, done that”. But best of all they’re easy to share with friends. So load up on a ton of the sharpest, laugh out loud quotes, guaranteed to brighten even the ugliest Monday…

Short Funny Quotes

  1. People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day.

  2. How would you like your eggs? In a cake, thanks.

  3. I love my computer. All my friends live in there.

  4. Dear Karma, I have a list of people you’ve missed.

  5. I think my brain has too many tabs open.

  6. I always thought air was free… until I bought a bag of chips.

  7. I find television very educational. Every time someone turns it on I go to another room and read a book.

  8. The more you weigh the harder you are to kidnap. Stay safe, eat cake.

  9. I want someone to look at me the same way I look at chocolate cake.

  10. If I had just one hour to live I’d spend it in Maths class… it never seems to end.

  11. You never realise how important something is until it’s gone. Toilet paper is a good example.

  12. If I was shipwrecked on an island and could only have one book, I’d have “How To Build A Boat.”

  13. I want to die in my sleep like Grandpa. Not screaming and shouting like the passengers in his car.

  14. I hate housework. Nobody notices when you do it, but everyone notices when you don’t.

  15. Have you ever looked at someone and thought, “I bet you’ve got someone locked in the basement.”

  16. After Tuesday even the calendar goes WTF!

  17. If I worked in a restaurant, on Valentine’s Day, I would put a fake engagement ring in every girl’s glass.

  18. Dear Sleep, I’m sorry I hated you as a kid. Now I love you very much and cherish every moment with you.

  19. You’re the reason they have to put directions on shampoo.

  20. Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself.

  21. How awkward is it to slip your dish into the sink when your Mum’s doing the washing-up?

  22. I’m not an early bird or a night owl. I’m a permanently stuffed pigeon.

  23. My favourite kind of coffee is the kind where no one is talking to me while I’m drinking it.

  24. Too much Monday, not enough coffee.

  25. Here’s why you should respect your parents. They passed school without Google.

  26. The fact jellyfish have survived for 650 million years without having brains should give many people hope.

  27. Technology has made us lzy.

  28. Behind every successful man is a surprised woman.

  29. Patience: What you have when there are too many witnesses.

  30. I need something that is more than coffee but less than cocaine.

  31. Always remember you’re unique. Just like everybody else.

  32. Smart has plans. Stupid has stories.

  33. My mum used to say, “ if you fall out of that tree and break your legs, don’t come running to me.”

  34. “Sorry I’m late. I got into an argument with a two year old about socks.”

  35. Dance like no-one is watching. Because they’re not, they’re checking their phones.

  36. Math. The only place someone can buy 64 watermelons and no one wonders why?

  37. I ate a donut without sprinkles. Diets are hard.

  38. Cancel. Cancel! Cancel!!! CANCEL!!!!! MESSAGE SENT. OH SHIT!!!!!!!

  39. My fake plants died because I forgot to fake water them.

  40. A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.

  41. People say money is not the key to happiness. But I figure if you’ve got enough money, you can have the key made.

  42. Isn’t it weird that we have one hand that knows how to do everything and one that just sits there like, “I don’t know how to hold a pencil.”

  43. Don’t trust your kids. They’re here to replace you.

  44. If you think I’m cute when I’m mad, I’m about to become gorgeous.

  45. My therapist put a half glass of water in front of me and asked was I a half glass full or empty person. I drank the water and told him I was a problem solver.

  46. It’s not that I’m not a people person. I’m just not a stupid people person.

  47. I’d agree with you, but then we’d both be wrong.

  48. Do you ever meet someone for the first time and think, “I’d like to buy them a toaster for their bathtub.”

  49. The fact that no one understands you doesn’t mean you’re an artist.

  50. If money is the root of all evil, why do churches beg for it?

  51. Don’t believe everything you think.

  52. Sometimes the best birth control is good lighting.

  53. I’m not anti-social, I’m just not user friendly.

  54. I went to a gentleman’s cyber-space and they offered me a laptop dance.

  55. Never let your computer know you’re in a hurry.

  56. I just saw some idiot at the gym put a water bottle in the Pringles holder on the treadmill.

  57. We live in a time of smart phones and stupid people.

  58. Please don’t see me! Please don’t see me!! Please don’t see me!!! Heyyyyy. Shit

  59. Yes officer, I did see the ‘Speed Limit’ sign, I just didn’t see you.

  60. I have so little faith left in humanity, I look both ways when crossing a one way street.

  61. My parking skills are pretty good. Someone left a note on my windshield saying, parking fine.

  62. Trust me… You’re not as good at texting and driving as you think you are. – The driver behind you.

  63. A great way to spice up your sex life is to have sex.

  64. I stopped fighting my inner demons. We’re on the same side now.

  65. You’re so fake, even China denied they made you.

  66. You’re as useless as the ‘ueue’ in ‘queue’.

  67. Everyone was thinking it, I just said it.

  68. It was funny until you got mad. Now it’s hilarious.

  69. If you’re cooler than me, doesn’t that make me hotter than you?

  70. Some people spread happiness wherever they go, others whenever they go.

  71. When your ex says, “You’ll never find anyone like me”, reply with: that’s the point.

  72. Sometimes you’ve just got to say, “It is what it is”.

  73. I’m not saying I hate you but I’d unplug your life support to charge my phone.

  74. My friend said onions are the only food that make you cry. So I threw a coconut in his face.

  75. Don’t cry because it’s over. Netflix recommends similar shows.

  76. I need six months vacation. Twice a year.

  77. I love laughing at something so funny no sound comes out.

  78. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

  79. If you’re lonely, dim all the lights and put a horror movie on. After a while it won’t feel like you’re alone anymore.

  80. Weird is a side effect of awesome.

  81. Why join the navy if you can be a pirate?

  82. If you’re not meant to have midnight snacks why did they put a light in the fridge?

  83. When I feel sad I just go to my happy place. The fridge.

  84. Life is hard. It’s harder if you’re stupid.

  85. The awkward moment when you’re wearing Nikes and you can’t do it.

  86. There’s a new support group for people who hate their job. It’s called EVERYBODY.

  87. Maybe you should eat some make-up so you’ll be pretty on the inside too!

  88. Don’t take life too seriously. No one makes it out alive.

  89. Some people only get called by their nickname. Isn’t it weird when their Mum uses their real name?

  90. The trouble with trouble, is that it starts out as fun.

  91. For information about how technology has not improved your life, please press three.

  92. Hacking is like sex. You get in, you get out, and you hope you didn’t leave anything that can be traced back to you.

  93. You know when it’s time to sell your car. When you don’t look back at it after you park it.

  94. Never have more kids than you have car windows.

  95. To whoever stole my Microsoft Office, I will find you. You have my Word.

  96. Think of how stupid the average person is, and realise half of them are stupider than that.

  97. I want to be like a caterpillar. Eat a lot. Sleep for a while. Wake up beautiful.

  98. I walk around like everything is fine, but deep down, inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off.

  99. My Day. Coffee. Work. Blah, blah, blah. Drive home. Wine.

  100. Dear middle finger, thanks for sticking up for me.

We hope you enjoyed these devilishly funny quotes and they put a smile on your dial.