Everyone loves a funny quote. Why? Because we all love a belly laugh – even if we get funny looks on the train. Even the subtle, funny quotes still bring a wry smile and a nod of the head. They get you thinking, “Yep, been there, done that”. But best of all they’re easy to share with friends. So load up on a ton of the sharpest, laugh out loud quotes, guaranteed to brighten even the ugliest Monday…
- People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day.
- How would you like your eggs? In a cake, thanks.
- I love my computer. All my friends live in there.
- Dear Karma, I have a list of people you’ve missed.
- I think my brain has too many tabs open.
- I always thought air was free… until I bought a bag of chips.
- I find television very educational. Every time someone turns it on I go to another room and read a book.
- The more you weigh the harder you are to kidnap. Stay safe, eat cake.
- I want someone to look at me the same way I look at chocolate cake.
- If I had just one hour to live I’d spend it in Maths class… it never seems to end.
- You never realise how important something is until it’s gone. Toilet paper is a good example.
- If I was shipwrecked on an island and could only have one book, I’d have “How To Build A Boat.”
- I want to die in my sleep like Grandpa. Not screaming and shouting like the passengers in his car.
- I hate housework. Nobody notices when you do it, but everyone notices when you don’t.
- Have you ever looked at someone and thought, “I bet you’ve got someone locked in the basement.”
- After Tuesday even the calendar goes WTF!
- If I worked in a restaurant, on Valentine’s Day, I would put a fake engagement ring in every girl’s glass.
- Dear Sleep, I’m sorry I hated you as a kid. Now I love you very much and cherish every moment with you.
- You’re the reason they have to put directions on shampoo.
- Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself.
- How awkward is it to slip your dish into the sink when your Mum’s doing the washing-up?
- I’m not an early bird or a night owl. I’m a permanently stuffed pigeon.
- My favourite kind of coffee is the kind where no one is talking to me while I’m drinking it.
- Too much Monday, not enough coffee.
- Here’s why you should respect your parents. They passed school without Google.
- The fact jellyfish have survived for 650 million years without having brains should give many people hope.
- Technology has made us lzy.
- Behind every successful man is a surprised woman.
- Patience: What you have when there are too many witnesses.
- I need something that is more than coffee but less than cocaine.
- Always remember you’re unique. Just like everybody else.
- Smart has plans. Stupid has stories.
- My mum used to say, “ if you fall out of that tree and break your legs, don’t come running to me.”
- “Sorry I’m late. I got into an argument with a two year old about socks.”
- Dance like no-one is watching. Because they’re not, they’re checking their phones.
- Math. The only place someone can buy 64 watermelons and no one wonders why?
- I ate a donut without sprinkles. Diets are hard.
- Cancel. Cancel! Cancel!!! CANCEL!!!!! MESSAGE SENT. OH SHIT!!!!!!!
- My fake plants died because I forgot to fake water them.
- A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.
- People say money is not the key to happiness. But I figure if you’ve got enough money, you can have the key made.
- Isn’t it weird that we have one hand that knows how to do everything and one that just sits there like, “I don’t know how to hold a pencil.”
- Don’t trust your kids. They’re here to replace you.
- If you think I’m cute when I’m mad, I’m about to become gorgeous.
- My therapist put a half glass of water in front of me and asked was I a half glass full or empty person. I drank the water and told him I was a problem solver.
- It’s not that I’m not a people person. I’m just not a stupid people person.
- I’d agree with you, but then we’d both be wrong.
- Do you ever meet someone for the first time and think, “I’d like to buy them a toaster for their bathtub.”
- The fact that no one understands you doesn’t mean you’re an artist.
- If money is the root of all evil, why do churches beg for it?
- Don’t believe everything you think.
- Sometimes the best birth control is good lighting.
- I’m not anti-social, I’m just not user friendly.
- I went to a gentleman’s cyber-space and they offered me a laptop dance.
- Never let your computer know you’re in a hurry.
- I just saw some idiot at the gym put a water bottle in the Pringles holder on the treadmill.
- We live in a time of smart phones and stupid people.
- Please don’t see me! Please don’t see me!! Please don’t see me!!! Heyyyyy. Shit
- Yes officer, I did see the ‘Speed Limit’ sign, I just didn’t see you.
- I have so little faith left in humanity, I look both ways when crossing a one way street.
- My parking skills are pretty good. Someone left a note on my windshield saying, parking fine.
- Trust me… You’re not as good at texting and driving as you think you are. – The driver behind you.
- A great way to spice up your sex life is to have sex.
- I stopped fighting my inner demons. We’re on the same side now.
- You’re so fake, even China denied they made you.
- You’re as useless as the ‘ueue’ in ‘queue’.
- Everyone was thinking it, I just said it.
- It was funny until you got mad. Now it’s hilarious.
- If you’re cooler than me, doesn’t that make me hotter than you?
- Some people spread happiness wherever they go, others whenever they go.
- When your ex says, “You’ll never find anyone like me”, reply with: that’s the point.
- Sometimes you’ve just got to say, “It is what it is”.
- I’m not saying I hate you but I’d unplug your life support to charge my phone.
- My friend said onions are the only food that make you cry. So I threw a coconut in his face.
- Don’t cry because it’s over. Netflix recommends similar shows.
- I need six months vacation. Twice a year.
- I love laughing at something so funny no sound comes out.
- Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
- If you’re lonely, dim all the lights and put a horror movie on. After a while it won’t feel like you’re alone anymore.
- Weird is a side effect of awesome.
- Why join the navy if you can be a pirate?
- If you’re not meant to have midnight snacks why did they put a light in the fridge?
- When I feel sad I just go to my happy place. The fridge.
- Life is hard. It’s harder if you’re stupid.
- The awkward moment when you’re wearing Nikes and you can’t do it.
- There’s a new support group for people who hate their job. It’s called EVERYBODY.
- Maybe you should eat some make-up so you’ll be pretty on the inside too!
- Don’t take life too seriously. No one makes it out alive.
- Some people only get called by their nickname. Isn’t it weird when their Mum uses their real name?
- The trouble with trouble, is that it starts out as fun.
- For information about how technology has not improved your life, please press three.
- Hacking is like sex. You get in, you get out, and you hope you didn’t leave anything that can be traced back to you.
- You know when it’s time to sell your car. When you don’t look back at it after you park it.
- Never have more kids than you have car windows.
- To whoever stole my Microsoft Office, I will find you. You have my Word.
- Think of how stupid the average person is, and realise half of them are stupider than that.
- I want to be like a caterpillar. Eat a lot. Sleep for a while. Wake up beautiful.
- I walk around like everything is fine, but deep down, inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off.
- My Day. Coffee. Work. Blah, blah, blah. Drive home. Wine.
- Dear middle finger, thanks for sticking up for me.
We hope you enjoyed these devilishly funny quotes and they put a smile on your dial.