25 Funny Pirate Jokes | Best Pirate Jokes

Love funny pirate jokes? So do Ayyyye. These are the best pirate jokes that have come from all across the seven seas. Although, there are a few bad pirate jokes that belong in Davy Jones’s locker. But now, it’s time to don a peg leg and eyepatch and enjoy the treasure that is these funny pirate jokes. 

The Best Pirate Jokes


Why did the pirate go to the Apple store? 

To buy an iPatch.


What has 8 legs, 8 arms and 8 eyes?

8 pirates.


What’s orange and sounds like a parrot?

A carrot.


What’s The Next Pirate Internet Sensation?

Planking!


To Err is Human. 

To Arr is Pirate.


How do ye turn a pirate furious?

Take away the ‘p’.


A pirate comes into his favourite bar after a long time away at sea, and asks for some rum. The bartender says sure, but asks “Why do you have a peg leg?” “Ah, that, a cannon ball took it off and our doc’ wasn’t able to save it” The bartender then asks “Why do you have a hook for a hand?” “We were slaughtering the sailors of the ship we were salvaging, and one got a lucky slice in”. 

The bartender then asks “And why the eye patch?” The pirate says “The captain’s damn parrot shit in it” The bartender asks “How can bird shit take your eye, did it get infected?” “Nay” says the pirate “Twas the first day with the hook.”


What’s a pirate’s favorite letter?

R? You would think that, but it’s the C.


Why couldn’t the 12 year old see a pirate movie?

It was rated Arrrr.


What did the elderly pirate captain say when asked if he was 80?

“Aye, Matey.”


What does the captain keep up his sleevie?

His armie.


So a pirate walks into a bar. The bartender notices that the pirate has a ship wheel coming out of his pants. Out of curiosity, the bartender asks the pirate “you are aware that there is a wheel coming out of your pants right?!?” 

To which the pirate replies “ayyyy it be drivin’ me nuts”


Why do pirates carry swords?

Because swords can’t walk.


What’s a pirate’s worst enemy?

Termites. 


Why don’t pirates shower before they walk the plank?

Because they’ll just wash up on shore later.


Why is pirating so addictive?

They say once ye lose yer first hand, ye get hooked!


What do ye call a pirate with two eyes and two legs?

A rookie


What did the ocean say to the pirate?

Nothing, it just waved.


How do pirates know that they are pirates?

They think, therefore they ARRRR!!!!!


Where can ye find a pirate who has lost his wooden legs?

Right where ye left him.


How do pirates prefer to communicate?

Aye to aye!


What Did The Pirate Say When His Wooden Leg Got Stuck In The Freezer?

Shiver me timbers!


How much did it cost the pirate to pierce his ears?

A buccaneer.


What does a Dyslexic Pirate Say?

RRRRRRA!


A cruise ship passes by a remote island, and all the passengers see a bearded man with an eyepatch running around and waving his arms wildly. “Captain,” one passenger asks, “Who is that man over there?”

“I have no idea,” the captain says, “but he goes nuts every year when we pass him.”


There was a treasure ship heading back to port. Halfway there, it was approached by a pirate ship. The skull and crossbones waving in the breeze!


“Captain, captain, what do we do?” asked the first mate.

“First mate,” said the captain, “go to my cabin, open my sea chest, and bring me my red shirt.” The first mate did so.

Wearing his bright red shirt, the captain exhorted his crew to fight. He was so inspiring that the pirate ship was repelled without casualties.

A few days later, the ship was approached again, this time by two pirate ships!

“Captain, captain, what should we do?”

“First mate, bring me my red shirt!”

The crew, emboldened by their fearless captain, fought heroically, and managed to defeat both boarding parties, however they suffered many casualties. That night, the survivors celebrated. The first mate asked the captain the secret of his bright red shirt.

“It’s simple, first mate. If I am wounded, the blood does not show, and the crew continues to fight without fear.”

A week passed, and they were nearing their home port, when suddenly the lookout cried that twelve pirate ships were approaching!

“Captain, captain, we’re in terrible trouble, what do we do?”

The first mate looked expectantly his captain.

Pale with fear, the captain commanded, “First mate…. bring me my brown pants!”


There you have it. Some of the best and worst pirate jokes to be found anywhere in the seven seas. If you enjoyed them, you’ll love these fun pirate gifts from Yellow octopus’s treasure chest…

1. Designer Pirate Ship LED Lamp 

2. Brass and Leather Telescope – 5-8x Magnification

3. Pirate Apron

4. Brass Nautical Porthole Mirror

Tom Raider

Tom Raider

Our wily wordsmith, Tom, is a key weaver of yarns and the chief storyteller at Octopus HQ. Tom writes words of wit and wisdom which can be read on Yellow Blogtopus. He also helps pen the praiseworthy product descriptions that help you decide what you feel like purchasing from us. Along with our Marketing Maestro, he helps brain storm and devise new plans for how to spread the name of Yellow Octopus to deserving Australians from Kakadu all the way to King Island.