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39 Funny Christmas Jokes & Christmas One Liners

Here’s a collection of 39 Christmas jokes and one liners. They’ll get a laugh wherever you go, from your office Christmas party to your  family Christmas lunch. And don’t forget your Kris Kringle and Christmas gifts. 

Funny Christmas Jokes & Christmas One Liners

  1. “Mail your packages early so the post office can lose them in time for Christmas.” – Johnny Carson

 

  1. The awkward moment when Santa Claus has the same wrapping paper as your parents.

 

  1. When you stop believing in Santa Claus is when you start getting clothes for Christmas.

 

  1. Why do kids always want a bike for christmas? You’d think the flying reindeer would get more requests.

 

  1. Dear Christmas Carolers, the only thing that can bring “Joy To The World” is a “Silent Night”.

 

  1. My neighbor put up his Christmas lights today. I bet he’s pissed that I beat him to it. I put mine up three years ago.

 

  1. To all the people that piss me off, I hope you get Crocs for Christmas.

 

  1. I used to believe in Santa. I still do, but I used to, too.

 

  1. I find that Santa’s generosity depends on how much I believe in him.

 

  1. My wife set a limit on how much we can spend on each other for Christmas. It’s $100 on me and $500 on her.

 

  1. I don’t have a girlfriend. But I do know a girl who’ll be super mad if I don’t get her a cChristmas present and tell her I love her by 10 am on Christmas morning.

 

  1. My Mum asked me if I wanted some hot Christmas pudding, but I said “No… but I want some cool Christmas pudding later, so yeah”.

 

  1. “I once bought my kids batteries for Christmas with a note saying, toys not included.” – Bernard Manning

 

  1. If I eat a regular dinner on the 25th of December, is it still a Christmas dinner?

 

  1. Why can Santa deliver every present on one night, but the postal service can’t deliver a Christmas card to my Grandma in four weeks?

 

  1. I never believed in Santa Claus because I knew no white dude would come into my neighborhood after dark.

 

  1. We give Santa milk and cookies, but imagine if he was actually lactose intolerant and allergic to gluten.

 

  1. What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a new job the next day.

 

  1. The best Christmas present would be not having to go Christmas present shopping.

 

  1. People who say they like Christmas carols clearly have never worked in a shop that repeats the same Christmas CD for the entirety of December.

 

  1. This holiday season, in lieu of gifts, I’ve decided to give everyone my opinion.

 

  1. I love collecting stamps… but the downside is none of my friends ever get a Christmas card from me.

 

  1. Christmas is the season when you buy this year’s gifts with next year’s money.

 

  1. I asked my wife what she wanted for Christmas. She told me “Nothing would make her happier than a diamond necklace.” So I bought her nothing.

 

  1. There’s nothing like the joy on a kid’s face when he first sees the PlayStation box containing the socks I got him for Christmas.

 

  1. There are 364 days until Christmas and people already have their Christmas lights up. Unbelievable…

 

  1. “I stopped believing in Santa Claus when I was six. Mother took me to see him in a department store and he asked for my autograph.” ― Shirley Temple

 

  1. “The one thing women don’t want to find in their stockings on Christmas morning is their husband.” ― Joan Rivers

 

  1. “Santa is very jolly because he knows where all the bad girls live.” ― Dennis Miller

 

  1. “Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people once a year.” ― Victor Borge

 

  1. “A Christmas shopper’s complaint is one of long-standing.” ― Jay Leno

 

  1. “I was so poor growing up, if I hadn’t been a boy I’d have had nothing to play with on Christmas Day.” ― Rodney Dangerfield

 

  1. “My sister got a set of perfumes called Ample. It was tiny. Even I could see where dad scraped off the S…” ― Stephen K Amos

 

  1. “There’s nothing sadder in this world than to awake Christmas morning and not be a child.” ― Erma Bombeck

 

  1. “One thing I learned from drinking is that if you ever go Christmas caroling, you should go with a group of people. And also go in mid-December.” — Louis C.K.

 

  1. “There ain’t no Sanity Clause.” ― Chico Marx

 

  1. “Let’s just say that on this day, a million years ago, a dude was born who most of us think was magic. But others don’t, and that’s cool. But we’re probably right. Amen.” ― Homer Simpson

 

  1. “One of the most glorious messes in the world is the mess created in the living room on Christmas day. Don’t clean it up too quickly.” ― Andy Rooney

 

  1. “At this time of year it’s easy to forget the true meaning of Christianity – the lies, the corruption, the abuse.” ― Banksy

 

We hope you enjoyed those funny Christmas jokes and Christmas one liners. So now you’re in the Christmas spirit, get prepared for Christmas with these Xmas gifts