27 Funny Australian Quotes

“Don’t quote me”, they say. But where would be the fun in that. These classic Australian quotes sum up our self effacing style of humour. It’s laid back, it’s cutting, sometimes razor sharp… or self depreciating. But that’s us, and that’s why Aussie quotes are the funniest. So here’s a collection of the best from film, sport, politics and comedy. And if someone says there are better ones, “Tell them they’re dreaming.”

Funny Australian Film Quotes

It’s often those funny lines that make a film memorable. Here’s ten rippers from Aussie classic films:

  1. “That’s not a knife. THAT’S a knife!” — Mick Dundee showing a mugger what a real man’s knife looks like in Crocodile Dundee

  2. “Tell them they’re dreaming.” — Darryl Kerrigan, The Castle

  3. “That’s going straight to the pool room.” — Darryl Kerrigan, The Castle, again

  4. “How’s the serenity?” And again, Darryl Kerrigan referring to the tranquility of Bonnie Doon

  5. Kenny: [advice on getting married] “Cut out the middleman; find someone you hate and buy them a house.” — Kenny

  6. Debbie Vickers: “Oh, god. Do I look alright?” Tracy: “Rootable.” — Puberty Blues

  7. Barry McKenzie: “Now listen mate, I need to splash the boots. You know, strain the potatoes. Water the horses. You know, go where the big knobs hang out. Shake hands with the wife’s best friend? Drain the dragon? Siphon the python? Ring the rattlesnake? You know, unbutton the mutton? Like, point Percy at the porcelain?” — The Adventures of Barry Mckenzie

  8. Auntie Edna Everage: “Did you know, Barry, that the Prime Minister and I once slept together?” Barry McKenzie: “Aw come off it Auntie, I don’t believe it.” Auntie Edna Everage: “Yes, Barry. It was at the Sydney Opera House, during the second act of War and Peace.” — Barry McKenzie Holds His Own
  1. Jock: “With the team we’ll have next year, Jesus Christ would be flat out making the reserves!” — The Club

  2. Chopper: “Why would I shoot a bloke BANG, then drive him to the bloody car and whizz him off to the hospital at a hundred miles an hour? It defeats the purpose of having shot him in the first place.” — Chopper

Funny Australian Sport Quotes

We expect a great deal of our sportswomen and sports men in the competitive arena. So we’d expect them to produce gold medal winning quotes.

 

Cricket Quotes

It’s no wonder cricketers are the masters of the witty quote. All that standing around lends itself to funny quotes.

  1. Shane Warne was having great trouble enticing the portly Sri Lankan captain, Arjuna Ranatunga to leave his crease. Calling down the pitch  to keeper Ian Healy, Warne asks, “How can I get this bloke to leave his crease?” Healy’s classic response, “Try putting a Mars Bar on a good length.”

  2. “When I started it was beer on ice. Now it’s players on ice, so certainly (things have) changed over 20 years.” — Darren Lehmann announcing his retirement after a 20-year first-class cricket career.
  1. Firebrand quick, Merv Hughes was bowling to the West Indian captain and master blaster, Viv Richards. After whistling three searing bouncers past Viv’s head, an exasperated Hughes stormed down the wicket and showing Richards the ball said, “It’s bright red and hard in case you can’t hit it.” Hughes delivered a fourth bouncer which Richards calmly dispatched over the stands and out of the ground. Strolling down to Hughes he said, “You know what it looks like, you go and find it.”

  2. Legendary all rounder and decorated World War Two fighter pilot, Keith Miller, was asked about the pressure of Test cricket. He replied; “Pressure? Pressure is having a messerschmitt up your arse, not playing cricket.”

 

AFL Quotes

Sometimes it just doesn’t come out right.

  1. “We actually got the winning goal three minutes from the end but then they scored.” — Ben Cousins, West Coast Eagles

  2. “I want to kick 70 or 80 goals this season, whichever comes first.” — Barry Hall (Sydney) when asked about the upcoming season

  3. “Well, either side could win it, or it could be a draw.” — Dermott Brereton

 

Olympic Quotes

The Olympics are not always, ‘Oh so serious’.

  1. “There is water in every lane, so it is OK.” — Ian Thorpe on drawing lane five for the final.

  2. “I’m just a normal Aussie bloke who likes to smoke and drink. If they’d held the final between 2am and 4am. I might have won.” — Jai Taurima, Olympic silver medalist in the long jump in Sydney

 

A Golfing Quote

And this one’s par for the course.

  1. “The wife did not teach the husband to swing a golf club.” — Greg Norman’s lawyer’s response to his wife’s divorce settlement claim.

Funny Australian Politics Quotes

Our Aussie politicians are no slouches when it comes to a funny quote either.

  1. “Any boss who sacks anyone for not turning up today is a bum.” — Former Prime Minister Bob Hawke, following Australia’s victory in the 1983 America’s Cup.

  2. “No one, however smart, however well-educated, however experienced, is the suppository of all wisdom.” The word he needed was “repository”. — Tony Abbott referring to Kevin Rudd.

  3. Treasurer Joe Hockey tried to reassure us that the proposed fuel tax increase would not hurt poorer Australians: “The poorest people either don’t have cars or actually don’t drive very far in many cases.”

  4. Paul Keating refers to Andrew Peacock having another run at the Liberal leadership, “A souffle doesn’t rise twice.”

Funny Australian Comedy Quotes

And let’s leave the final quotes to our comedians, because it’s always hard to top them.

  1. “The other day I got a big pile of money and burned it. Sorry, I mean I joined a gym.” — Celia Pacquola

  2. “I like to go to the library, get all the books on feng shui out, and put them back in the wrong section.” — Karl Chandler

  3. “Do you have any goals Carl? Nah, my backyard is too small.” — Carl Baron

 




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