99 Unbeatable Chuck Norris Jokes

Invincible, hyper-masculine, sophisticated. If you look up any of these words in the dictionary all you’’ll find is a picture of Chuck Norris. And the superlatives don’t end there…. He’s mega-tough, unmatched, and omnipotent. He’s the superheroes superhero. Whatever the question, Chuck Norris is the answer. 

99 Chuck Norris approved jokes. Read now, or else. 

Here’s 99 Chuck Norris facts that are unquestionably true. Read, digest, laugh, nod in agreement. That’s the wisest course of action.

  1. Chuck Norris keeps a diary. It’s called The Guinness Book Of World Records.
  2. Chuck Norris knows Victoria’s secret. 
  3. Superman sleeps in a pair of Chuck Norris pajamas.
  4. Chuck Norris tells Simon what to do.
  5. Chuck Norris counted to infinity. Twice.
  6. Chuck Norris doesn’t cheat death. He wins fair and square.
  7. Once a cobra bit Chuck Norris’ leg. After five days of excruciating pain, the cobra died.
  8. Chuck Norris doesn’t get a flu shot. He is the vaccine.
  9. While learning C.P.R. Chuck Norris brought the dummy to life.
  10. When Google has a question they “Norris” it.
  11. Before the Boogeyman goes to sleep he checks under his bed for Chuck Norris.
  12. Santa Claus visits Chuck Norris’ house first.
  13. Chuck Norris can run on water.
  14. Chuck Norris’ blood type is A-K 47.
  15. Chuck Norris has been to Mars. That’s why there’s no sign of life.
  16. The dark is scared of Chuck Norris.
  17. Chuck Norris actually died ten years ago. Death just hasn’t built up the courage to tell him.
  18. Chuck Norris doesn’t turn on the shower. He stares at it until it starts to cry.
  19. Chuck Norris can gargle peanut butter.
  20. Chuck Norris. Born: 1940 Died: Never.
  21. At Easter Chuck Norris has hot cross Chuck Norris.
  22. Chuck Norris’ dog picks up his own crap.
  23. When there’s a meteor shower Chuck Norris grabs a bar of soap.
  24. Chuck Norris doesn’t flush the toilet. He scares the shit out of it.
  25. When Chuck Norris does a push up, he isn’t lifting himself up, he’s pushing the earth down.
  26. If you have $5 and Chuck Norris has $5, Chuck Norris has more money than you.
  27. Chuck Norris went to Hungry Jack’s and got a Big Mac.
  28. There is no theory of evolution. Just the creatures Chuck Norris allowed to live.
  29. Chuck Norris boils the kettle by staring at it .
  30. Chuck Norris can kill two stones with one bird.
  31. Time stands still for no man. Unless it’s Chuck Norris.
  32. Elvis has left the building. Because Chuck Norris told him to.
  33. Traffic lights never turn red for Chuck Norris. Nothing stops Chuck Norris.
  34. Netflix doesn’t make recommendations to Chuck Norris about what he can watch next. Netflix waits for Chuck Norris to tell them what to screen.
  35. Chuck Norris never showers. He only takes blood baths.
  36. Chuck Norris can win a game of Connect 4 in three moves.
  37. The Great Wall of China was originally built to keep Chuck Norris out. It failed.
  38. Chuck Norris can believe it’s not butter.
  39. Chuck Norris doesn’t bowl strikes. He knocks down one pin and the other nine faint.
  40. Chuck Norris did in fact, build Rome in a day.
  41. If at first you don’t succeed, you’re not Chuck Norris.
  42. Chuck Norris can lead a horse to water AND make him drink.
  43. Chuck Norris doesn’t play the lottery. It doesn’t have enough balls.
  44. Chuck Norris doesn’t own a house. He walks into random houses and people leave.
  45. Everybody loves Raymond. Except Chuck Norris.
  46. Superman and Chuck Norris had an arm wrestle. The loser had to wear his underwear on the outside.
  47. Chuck Norris has a grizzly bear rug. It’s not dead, it’s just too afraid to move.
  48. Chuck Norris makes onions cry.
  49. Chuck Norris won The Voice using sign language.
  50. Chuck Norris can sneeze with his eyes open.
  51. Chuck Norris doesn’t win. He allows you to lose.
  52. Chuck Norris can watch the radio.
  53. Chuck Norris doesn’t need an account. He just logs in.
  54. Chuck Norris doesn’t leave a message. You have 3 seconds to ring him back.
  55. Chuck Norris always comes first. Just ask the chicken and the egg.
  56. If Chuck Norris has a pen, the pen is mightier than the sword.
  57. When one door closes Chuck Norris kicks it in.
  58. Sweating bullets is literally what happens when Chuck Norris gets hot.
  59. Chuck Norris can get stone out of blood.
  60. Chuck Norris doesn’t panic buy toilet paper. He uses sandpaper.
  61. Chuck Norris not only shot the sheriff, but he roundhoused the deputy too.
  62. Chuck Norris does not sleep. He just waits.
  63. Chuck Norris has never blinked. Never,ever.
  64. Chuck Norris breathes slowly. Seven times a day.
  65. Chuck Norris can tie his shoes with his feet.
  66. The magic word is please. As in “please don’t kill me”. Unfortunately Chuck Norris doesn’t believe in magic.
  67. Chuck Norris takes 20 minutes to watch 60 minutes.
  68. Chuck Norris once kicked a horse in the chin. Its descendants are today known as a giraffe.
  69. We live in an expanding universe. The universe is trying to get away from Chuck Norris.
  70. Chuck Norris strikes lightning.
  71. Chuck Norris stared at the eclipse and the eclipse looked away.
  72. With Chuck Norris as world leader there’d be no crime. Just punishment.
  73. Chuck Norris’ cowboy boots are made of real cowboys.
  74. Chuck Norris’ computer doesn’t have a shift key. Chuck Norris doesn’t shift for anyone.
  75. Chuck Norris can crack walnuts with his eyelids.
  76. Everyone has a skeleton in the closet. Chuck Norris has 5,789.
  77. Chuck Norris slept through the Big Bang.
  78. You might say Chuck Norris can’t act. But you won’t say anything else. Ever.
  79. Chuck Norris plays soccer with a bowling ball.
  80. Chuck Norris uses a stunt double for crying scenes.
  81. Chuck Norris doesn’t wear a watch. He just decides what time it is.
  82. Every winner should first say, “I’d like to thank Chuck Norris for not competing.”
  83. Chuck Norris protects his bodyguards.
  84. When Chuck Norris enters a courtroom the judge stands up.
  85. When Chuck Norris looks in the mirror, the glass shatters. Not even a mirror is stupid enough to get between Chuck Norris and Chuck Norris.
  86. Chuck Norris can win an argument with his wife.
  87. If it walks like a duck, talks like a duck and looks like a duck but Chuck Norris says it’s a sheep, then it’s a sheep.
  88. Bruce Springsteen calls Chuck Norris, “The Boss”.
  89. Chuck Norris can whistle in sign language.
  90. If Chuck Norris was a Spartan the movie would have been called, “1”.
  91. Aliens believe in Chuck Norris.
  92. When Batman is in trouble he turns on the Chuck Norris signal.
  93. Chuck Norris can remember the future.
  94. When Chuck Norris was born the doctor exclaimed, “It’s a man!”.
  95. Chuck Norris once broke the sound barrier. In half.
  96. The Hulk and Chuck Norris had a fight in the forest. The Hulk is now known as Shrek.
  97. Steroids are made from Chuck Norris.
  98. Chuck Norris can experience a once in a lifetime occurrence. Twice.
  99. Chuck Norris is the only weapon allowed through airport security.

 

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