50 Hilariously Bad Christmas Cracker Jokes

Santa stopped by to deliver these funny Christmas cracker jokes.  They’re so bad you’ll be glad Santa visits once a year. With these cracking cracker jokes—you’ll be ready to make your family, friends, and colleagues laugh… and groan. 

The 50 Best (Worst?) Christmas Cracker Jokes

1.
How does Jack Frost get to work?

By icicle.

2.
What kind of lighting did Noah use for the ark?

Floodlights.

3.
What does Santa suffer from if he gets stuck in a chimney?

Claustrophobia.

4.
Why does Santa have three gardens?

So he can ‘ho ho ho’.

5.
The Higgs boson particle walks into a church on Christmas Eve. The priest says, “We don’t allow Higgs bosons in here.”

The Higgs boson says, “But without me how can you have Midnight Mass?”

6.
Why would you invite a mushroom to a Christmas party?

He’s a fun guy to be with.

7.
On which side do chickens have the most feathers?
The outside.

8.
What’s white and goes up?

A confused snowflake.

9.
Who hides in the bakery at Christmas?

A mince spy.

10.
Why did no one bid for Rudolph and Blitzen on eBay?

Because they were two deer.

11.
Mary and Joseph – now they had a stable relationship.

12.
How did Mary and Joseph know that Jesus was 7lb 6oz when he was born?

They had a weigh in a manger.

13.
What’s a mathematician’s favourite Christmas snack?

A mince π.

14.
Do you hear about the snowman who got cooled to absolute zero?

He’s 0K now.

15.
The other day my friend was telling me that I didn’t understand what irony meant.

…which is ironic, because we were standing next to a Christmas tree.

16.
What do you call Santa’s little helpers?

Subordinate clauses.

17.
What do you call a blind dinosaur?

A doyouthinkhesawus.

18.
What do they sing at a snowman’s birthday party?

Freeze a jolly good fellow

19.
Why did Donald Trump continuously decorate the Christmas tree?

Because people kept saying ‘moron’ to him.

20.
Why did the turkey join the band?

Because it had the drumsticks.

21.
What do you get if you cross a bell with a skunk?

Jingle Smells.

22.
Knock, knock.

Who’s there?
Wayne.
Wayne who?
Wayne in a manger…

23.
What is black and white and noisy?

A zebra with a drum kit.

24.
What does Miley Cyrus have at Christmas?

Twerky.

25.
Knock, knock

Who’s there?
Arthur
Arthur who?
Arthur any mince pies left?

26.
Why did Santa’s helper see the doctor?

Because he had a low “elf” esteem.

27.
What happened to the man who stole an Advent Calendar?

He got 25 days.

28.
What kind of motorbike does Santa ride?

A Holly Davidson.

29.
What do you get if you cross Santa with a duck?

A Christmas Quacker.

30.
What is the best Christmas present in the world?

A broken drum, you just can’t beat it.

31.
What did Santa say to the smoker?

Please don’t smoke, it’s bad for my elf.

32.
Why is it getting harder to buy Advent calendars?

Because their days are numbered.

33.
What kind of paper likes music?

Rapping paper.

34.
What do snowmen wear on their heads?

Ice caps.

35.
What do you call Santa living at the South Pole?

A lost clause.

36.
What does a frog do if his car breaks down?

He gets it toad away.

37.
What lies at the bottom of the sea and shivers?

A nervous wreck.

38.
What do you call a line of men waiting for a haircut?

A barberqueue.

39.
What do you call a man who plays with leaves?

Russell.

40.
What’s round and bad tempered?

A vicious circle.

41.
What did Adam say the day before Christmas?

It’s Christmas Eve.

42.
What has four legs but can’t walk?
A table!

43.
Who delivers presents to baby sharks at Christmas?
Santa Jaws!

44. Who is Santa’s favourite singer?
Elfis Presley.

45. What did Adam say the day before Christmas?
It’s Christmas, Eve.

46. Why did nobody bid for Rudolph and Blitzen on eBay?
They were two deer.

47. What time is it when an elephant sits on your fence?
Time to get a new fence.

48. What kind of music do elves listen to?
Wrap.

49. Why is it getting so hard to buy Advent calendars?
Their days are numbered.

50. How does Darth Vader like his Christmas turkey?
On the dark side.




What’s the verdict? Were those Christmas cracker jokes brilliant? Or tear-able ?  Whether they made you laugh or groan, it’s now your Christmas duty to pass them onto your friends, family, and colleagues. 

P.S. Merry Christmas from the team at Yellow Octopus!