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christmas cracker jokes

42 TEARABLE (get it?) CHRISTMAS CRACKER JOKES

These are the worst-of-the-worst Christmas cracker jokes. They’re even worse than Uncle Jimmy’s jokes about stuffing the turkey. These Christmas cracker jokes are so bad you’ll be glad Christmas only comes once a year. Ready? Here we go…

The Worst Christmas Cracker Jokes

1. How does Jack Frost get to work?
By icicle

2. What kind of lighting did Noah use for the ark?
Floodlights

3. What does Santa suffer from if he gets stuck in a chimney?
Claustrophobia

4. Why does Santa have three gardens?
So he can ‘ho ho ho’

5. The Higgs boson particle walks into a church on Christmas Eve. The priest says, “We don’t allow Higgs bosons in here.”
The Higgs boson says, “But without me how can you have Midnight Mass?”

6. Why would you invite a mushroom to a Christmas party?
He’s a fun guy to be with

7. On which side do chickens have the most feathers?
The outside

8. What’s white and goes up?
A confused snowflake

9. Who hides in the bakery at Christmas?
A mince spy

10. Why did no one bid for Rudolph and Blitzen on eBay?
Because they were two deer

11. Mary and Joseph – now they had a stable relationship

12. How did Mary and Joseph know that Jesus was 7lb 6oz when he was born?
They had a weigh in a manger

13. What’s a mathematician’s favourite Christmas snack?
A mince π.

14. Do you hear about the snowman who got cooled to absolute zero?
He’s 0K now.

15. The other day my friend was telling me that I didn’t understand what irony meant.
…which is ironic, because we were standing next to a Christmas tree.

16. What do you call Santa’s little helpers?
Subordinate clauses.

17. What do you call a blind dinosaur?
A doyouthinkhesawus.

18. What do they sing at a snowman’s birthday party?
Freeze a jolly good fellow

19. Why did Donald Trump continuously decorate the Christmas tree?
Because people kept saying ‘moron’ to him

20. Why did the turkey join the band?
Because it had the drumsticks

21. What do you get if you cross a bell with a skunk?
Jingle Smells

22. Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Wayne.
Wayne who?
Wayne in a manger…

23. What is black and white and noisy?
A zebra with a drum kit

24. What does Miley Cyrus have at Christmas?
Twerky

25. Knock, knock
Who’s there?
Arthur
Arthur who?
Arthur any mince pies left?

26. Why did Santa’s helper see the doctor?
Because he had a low “elf” esteem

27. What happened to the man who stole an Advent Calendar?
He got 25 days

28. What kind of motorbike does Santa ride?
A Holly Davidson

29. What do you get if you cross Santa with a duck?
A Christmas Quacker

30. What is the best Christmas present in the world?
A broken drum, you just can’t beat it

31. What did Santa say to the smoker?
Please don’t smoke, it’s bad for my elf

32. Why is it getting harder to buy Advent calendars?
Because their days are numbered.

33. What kind of paper likes music?
Rapping paper.

34. What do snowmen wear on their heads?
Ice caps.

35. What do you call Santa living at the South Pole?
A lost clause.

36. What does a frog do if his car breaks down?
He gets it toad away.

37. What lies at the bottom of the sea and shivers?
A nervous wreck.

38. What do you call a line of men waiting for a haircut?
A barberqueue.

39. What do you call a man who plays with leaves?
Russell.

40. What’s round and bad tempered?
A vicious circle.

41. What did Adam say the day before Christmas?
It’s Christmas Eve.

42. What has four legs but can’t walk?
A table!

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