THE 30 BEST ANTI JOKES

The best Anti Jokes are like Y2K, Michael Jordan’s second comeback, and a balloon without helium—they build up excitement but then fall flat. But if you’re going to be disappointed by bad (brilliant) anti jokes, you may as well be disappointed by the best bad anti jokes.

If they’re so bad, why are the best anti jokes so popular? The best anti jokes are like The Flat Earth Society; they don’t make sense but their stupidity is fun to laugh at. You’ll understand the phenomenon, if you know someone who’s brilliant at anti jokes (despite them thinking they’re telling normal jokes).

But what are anti jokes? The answer is guaranteed to make you laugh. Anti humour is a type of indirect humour that involves the joke-teller delivering something which is intentionally not funny, or lacking in intrinsic meaning.

Ready? Here Are The Best Anti Jokes…

The best Anti jokes? Here are some of my favourite ones:

One,uno,ein,un.

 

A horse walked into a bar.

Several people got up and left as they spotted the potential danger of the situation.

 

What did one Japanese man say to another?

I don’t know I don’t speak Japanese.

 

This girl invited me to her house saying nobody was home.

I got there and nobody was home.

 

What did the farmer say when he lost his tractor?

Where’s my tractor?

 

What’s worse than finding a worm in your apple?

Stubbing your toe.

 

What do you call a fly with no wings?

A fly. The irony is unfortunate, but the name doesn’t change.

 

What’s black and white and eats like a horse?

A zebra.

 

Why are people like drums?

Hit them with a stick and they make a noise.

 

Why don’t vampires like garlic?

You have to exist to like garlic.

 

What’s white and fluffy?

White fluff.

 

What’s green, red, orange, purple, blue and yellow?

Colours.

 

You know what makes me smile?

Face muscles.

 

Queue is just Q followed by 4 silent letters.

They’re not silent. They’re just waiting their turn.

 

Three men walk into a bar. One excuses himself and heads to the bathroom. One gets them a table. And the other buys a round of drinks.

 

What do you get when you cross a joke with a rhetorical question?

 

What is the biggest lie in the universe?

“ I have read and agree to the Terms of service”.

 

What’s brown and sticky?

A stick.

 

What would George Washington do if he was alive today?

Scream and scratch at the lid of his coffin.

 

Why was six afraid of seven?

It wasn’t. Numbers are not sentient and thus incapable of feeling fear.

 

What did the grape say when it got crushed?

Nothing. Grapes can’t speak.

 

Broken puppets for sale. No strings attached.

 

I tried talking about our future. She kept bringing up my past. It was a tense conversation.

 

You know what they say?

Words.

 

Guess what I saw today?

Everything I looked at.

 

Mary had a little lamb. The doctor fainted.

 

My friend thought an onion was the only food that could make you cry.

So I threw a watermelon in his face.

 

What’s red and bad for your teeth.

A brick.

 

An Irishman walks out of a bar.

 

What’s red and smells like blue paint? Red paint.

 

Scientific fact: If you took all the veins from your body and laid them end to end, you would die.

 

Roses are red.
Violets are dead.
I’m a bad gardener.




Okay. Congratulations. You’ve made it through the 30 best (worst?) anti-jokes. Now, we want to reward you with some ‘anti-anti-jokes’ — that means these jokes are actually hilarious. Ready? Enjoy your reward.

I used to be addicted to the hokey pokey…

… but then I turned myself around.

“Um.” —First horse that got ridden.

Want to hear a joke about the construction industry in Australia?
Too bad, they’re still working on it.

Physics would be much easier if the tree had fallen on Newton’s head rather than an apple.

My girlfriend and I often laugh about how competitive we are.

But I laugh more.

“When I was a boy, I laid in my twin sized bed and wondered where my brother was.” – Mitch Hedberg

“I have 3 kids and no money, why I can’t I have no kids and 3 money.” – Homer Simpson

“I think it’s wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly.” – Steven Wright

“Crime in multi-storey car parks. That is wrong on so many different levels.” Tim Vine

“I was playing chess with my friend and he said, ‘Let’s make this interesting’. So we stopped playing chess.” Matt Kirshen

“You can’t lose a homing pigeon. If your homing pigeon doesn’t come back, then what you’ve lost is a pigeon.” Sara Pascoe

“Onions make me sad. A lot of people don’t realize that.” – Mitch Hedberg

I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high. She looked surprised. 

I threw a boomerang a few years ago. Now I live in constant fear. 

Someone stole my mood ring, but I don’t know how I feel about it. 

My Grandpa has the heart of a lion. And a lifetime ban from the zoo. 

I tried to catch fog yesterday. Mist. 

Why do cows wear bells? 

Because their horns don’t work. 

I invented a new word: Plagiarism. 

You know what they say about cliffhangers…

I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way so I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

Accordion to a recent survey, replacing words with the names of musical instruments in a sentence often goes undetected.

Don’t you hate it when someone answers their own questions? I do.

Gambling addiction hotlines would do so much better if every fifth caller was a winner.

I’ve just written a song about tortillas; actually, it’s more of a rap.

I don’t have a beer gut. I have a protective covering for my rock hard abs.

Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

When you say “poop”, your mouth makes the same motion as your asshole. The same is true for “explosive diarrhea”.

Not only is my thesaurus terrible, it’s also terrible.

There’s no I in denial.

A computer once beat me at chess. But it was no match for me at kickboxing.

I have an inferiority complex but it’s not a very good one.

You don’t need a parachute to go skydiving. You need a parachute to go skydiving twice.

I used to be indecisive. Now I’m not sure.

How do you get a sweet 80-year-old lady to say the F word?

Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!

When tempted to fight fire with fire, always remember… The fire department usually uses water.

I just burned 2,000 calories. That’s the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I nap.

Standing in the park, I was wondering why a Frisbee gets larger the closer it gets. Then it hit me.