101 Dad Jokes Feature

Hilarious Dad Jokes: 151 Of The Best (Worst)!

It’s time to talk dad jokes in the lead up to Father’s Day. Whether you love them or hate them, dads around the world will do their best to keep the flowing.
When you stub your toe, Dad is there to order you a toe truck. When you’re out for dinner and the waiter asks Dad if he’d “like a box for his leftovers?”, he says “No, but I’ll wrestle you for it.” But no matter how embarrassed these Dad jokes make you feel, they always leave at least one person laughing – Dad.
We try to hide it, but deep down we can’t help loving great Dad jokes. Here’s 151 of the best (and worst) dad jokes to leave you giggling and groaning. And be sure to check out these gift ideas for funny dads!

What is a ‘dad joke’?

A dad joke is a painfully awful joke, that is so bad it’s actually embarrassing. These jokes were popularised by fathers, who in an attempt to be funny, failed miserably. Common in speeches, particularly of the 18th and 21st birthday variety.

What makes for the perfect dad joke?

  • Must be incredibly lame. So lame that it hurts.
  • Usually dad jokes are PG rated
  • Contrary to popular belief, does not have to be delivered by a dad
  • Must provoke either muffled laughter, an awkward cough or eye roll
  • Dad jokes will often serve to embarrass children
  • If there is a genuine LOL by anyone other than a dad it’s stature as a dad joke is questionable
  • An integral part of father-child bonding

I needed a password eight characters long so I picked Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs.

Check it out at Livin3

What’s Forrest Gump’s Facebook password?
– 1forest1

http://www.livin3.com/100-bad-dad-jokes-that-will-make-you-laugh-or-cringe

Major: “I didn’t see you at camouflage training this morning, Sergeant!”
Sergeant: “Thank you, Sir!!”

https://www.facebook.com/DadJokes/

What do you call a boomerang that doesn’t come back?
-A stick.

https://www.facebook.com/DadJokes/

They laughed when I said I wanted to be a comedian.
– They’re not laughing now.

http://www.livin3.com/100-bad-dad-jokes-that-will-make-you-laugh-or-cringe

Dad jokes are no laughing matter.

https://www.buzzfeed.com/jemimaskelley/ten-tickles?utm_term=.oo1jyk1DD#.cxmQyZN

I used to work for a soft drink can crushing company.
It was soda pressing.

http://www.knowable.com/a/50-ultimate-dad-jokes-who-said-parenting-couldnt-be-fun/p-1

I told my friend she had drawn her eyebrows on too high.
She looked surprised.

https://www.facebook.com/DadJokes/

Me: Did you get a haircut?
Dad: No, I got them all cut.

http://www.knowable.com/a/50-ultimate-dad-jokes-who-said-parenting-couldnt-be-fun/p-1

I wondered why the frisbee was getting bigger.
Then it hit me.

http://www.funnyworm.com/p/funny-stupid-jokes/

My wife told me to take a spider out instead of killing it.
We went out for drinks. Cool guy, wants to be a web designer.

https://www.facebook.com/DadJokes/

Why can’t you hear a pterodactyl going to the bathroom?
– Because the P is silent.

http://www.funnyworm.com/p/funny-jokes/

Won my first cage fight today… the budgie didn’t know what hit him.

https://www.facebook.com/DadJokes/

I’ve started my new job at the toy warehouse. There are only two of us that work on a production line for Dracula figures. I have to make every second count.

https://www.facebook.com/DadJokes/

R.I.P. boiled water. You will be mist.

https://www.facebook.com/DadJokes/

Me: Honey, it’s really muggy out today.
Wife: If I go outside and all our mugs are on the front lawn, I’m leaving you.
Me: (sips coffee from a bowl).

https://www.facebook.com/DadJokes/

I had a fighting joke. But I forgot the punch line.

https://www.facebook.com/DadJokes/

Hope the missus doesn’t find out I replaced our bed with a trampoline.
She’ll hit the roof.

https://www.facebook.com/DadJokes/

What happens if you drop your iPhone and iPad in the water?
– They sync.

https://www.facebook.com/DadJokes/

Police were called to local day care centre this afternoon.
There were 4 kids resisting a rest.

https://www.facebook.com/DadJokes/

I am terrified of elevators.
I’m going to start taking steps to avoid them.

http://www.livin3.com/100-bad-dad-jokes-that-will-make-you-laugh-or-cringe

I thought about that email going around that processed meat can cause cancer;
I think it’s spam.

https://www.facebook.com/DadJokes/

Someone’s been stealing patrol dogs.
Police say they have several leads.

https://www.facebook.com/DadJokes/

What do you call a fish with no eyes?
– A fshhhh.

http://www.mailtimes.com.au/story/2539323/jezzas-jokes-dad-jokes-show-the-funny-side-of-life/

Here I am standing by the mirror admiring my 6 pack.
I better hurry put them back in the fridge before they get too warm.

https://www.facebook.com/DadJokes/

Is it just me… or does anybody else find pressing F5 refreshing?

https://www.facebook.com/DadJokes/

Dad: Doctor I think I have 5 legs.
Doctor: Oh my!… how do your pants fit?
Dad: Like a glove.

https://www.facebook.com/DadJokes/

My daughter’s hamster escaped from its cage last night so I spent 4 hours looking for it.
No luck though, he definitely wasn’t in the pub.

https://www.facebook.com/DadJokes/ 

I remember the last thing my grandpa said before he kicked the bucket.
He said, “Hey how far do you think I can kick this bucket?”

https://www.facebook.com/DadJokes/

Did you hear about the two guys that stole a calendar?
They each got six months.

https://www.facebook.com/DadJokes/

I gave all my dead batteries away today… free of charge.

http://www.livin3.com/100-bad-dad-jokes-that-will-make-you-laugh-or-cringe 

The shovel is a groundbreaking invention.

https://www.facebook.com/DadJokes/

I accidentally swallowed some scrabble tiles.
My next poop could spell disaster.

https://www.facebook.com/DadJokes/

How many South Americans does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A Brazilian.

http://www.funnyworm.com/p/funny-stupid-jokes/

What’s the dumbest animal in the jungle?
The polar bear.

http://www.funnyworm.com/p/funny-stupid-jokes/

What’s the best thing about living in Switzerland?
I don’t know, but the flag is a big plus.

http://www.funnyworm.com/p/funny-stupid-jokes/

Last night me and my wife watched three DVDs back to back.
Luckily I was the one facing the TV.

http://www.livin3.com/100-bad-dad-jokes-that-will-make-you-laugh-or-cringe

I’m constantly having to separate fact from fiction.
I hate being a Librarian.

https://www.facebook.com/DadJokes/

Had a weird dream last night that I was a muffler.
I woke up exhausted.

https://www.facebook.com/DadJokes/ 

When my wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo I had to put my foot down.

www.facebook.com/DadJokes/

The Weight Watchers website requires you to have cookies disabled.

www.facebook.com/DadJokes/

At breakfast this morning, my wife said she’s leaving me because of my obsession with Twitter.
I almost choked on my ‪#‎Toast‬.

www.facebook.com/DadJokes/

Last Christmas we bought a fake Christmas tree and the guy behind the counter said to my Dad, “Are you going to put it up yourself?”
Dad replied, “Don’t be disgusting, I’m going to put it in the living room.”

I start my new job at a restaurant tomorrow. I can’t wait.

www.facebook.com/DadJokes/

I’ve decided to sell my vacuum cleaner… it was just collecting dust.

www.facebook.com/DadJokes/

It’s Jamaican hairstyle day at work tomorrow.
I’m already dreading it.

www.facebook.com/DadJokes/

I always keep an empty milk bottle in the fridge, just in case anyone has black coffee.

www.facebook.com/DadJokes/

It used to cost $2 to change the air pressure in my tyres at the local garage but now it’s $10. That’s inflation for you.

www.facebook.com/DadJokes

When my wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo I had to put my foot down.

https://www.facebook.com/DadJokes/

The Weight Watchers website requires you to have cookies disabled.

https://www.facebook.com/DadJokes/

Last Christmas we bought a fake Christmas tree and the guy behind the counter said to my Dad, “Are you going to put it up yourself?”
Dad replied, “Don’t be disgusting, I’m going to put it in the living room.”

https://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/3ogbzd/whats_your_best_dad_joke/cvwxvb5

Waitress: “Here’s the check. Is there anything else I can get you?”
Dad: “Someone to pay the check?”

I start my new job at a restaurant tomorrow. I can’t wait.

http://www.mailtimes.com.au/story/2539323/jezzas-jokes-dad-jokes-show-the-funny-side-of-life/

I’ve decided to sell my vacuum cleaner… it was just collecting dust.

https://www.facebook.com/DadJokes/

It’s Jamaican hairstyle day at work tomorrow.
I’m already dreading it.

https://www.facebook.com/DadJokes/

I always keep an empty milk bottle in the fridge, just in case anyone has black coffee.

https://www.facebook.com/DadJokes/

It used to cost $2 to change the air pressure in my tyres at the local garage but now it’s $10. That’s inflation for you.

https://www.facebook.com/DadJokes/

A snake walks into a bar. The bartender says “How did you do that?”

www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/4h629u/what_joke_is_hilarious_but_takes_a_few_seconds_to/

What do you get when you cross the Atlantic with the Titanic?
About halfway.

https://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/4h629u/what_joke_is_hilarious_but_takes_a_few_seconds_to/

I have an EpiPen. My friend gave it to me as he was dying.
It seemed very important to him that I have it.

https://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/4h629u/what_joke_is_hilarious_but_takes_a_few_seconds_to/

I found out I was colour blind today.
The news came right out of the purple.

https://www.facebook.com/DadJokes/

Me: Dad there’s a hole in my sock.
Dad: Mine too, that’s how I get my foot in it.

http://www.livin3.com/100-bad-dad-jokes-that-will-make-you-laugh-or-cringe

Can I watch the TV?
Dad: Yes, but don’t turn it on.

http://www.livin3.com/100-bad-dad-jokes-that-will-make-you-laugh-or-cringe

A man tried to sell me a coffin today
I told him that’s the last thing I need.

http://www.knowable.com/a/50-ultimate-dad-jokes-who-said-parenting-couldnt-be-fun/p-1

Doc gave me 4 months to live, so I shot him.
Judge gave me 20 years.

https://www.facebook.com/DadJokes/

Tea is for mugs.

http://www.livin3.com/100-bad-dad-jokes-that-will-make-you-laugh-or-cringe

Our wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers.

http://www.livin3.com/100-bad-dad-jokes-that-will-make-you-laugh-or-cringe

A termite walks into a bar and asks “Is the bar tender here?”

http://www.livin3.com/100-bad-dad-jokes-that-will-make-you-laugh-or-cringe 

My friend told me I didn’t know the meaning of ‘ironic’, which was ironic because we were at a train station.

https://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/4h629u/what_joke_is_hilarious_but_takes_a_few_seconds_to/

Joe: What does your father do for a living? Jon: He’s a magician. He performs tricks, like sawing people in half. Joe: Do you have any brothers or sisters?
Jon: Yep, four half-sisters and a half-brother.

One cow to another: Are you worried about mad cow disease?
Not at all, I’m a helicopter.

http://www.funnyworm.com/p/funny-stupid-jokes/

A man walking down the street meets an old friend with only one arm.
“Where are you off to?”, says the man.
“I’m going to change a light bulb.”
“Isn’t that difficult with one arm?”
“I don’t think so, I’ve still got the receipt.”

https://www.facebook.com/DadJokes/ 

What kind of cheese is made backwards?
– Edam!

https://www.facebook.com/DadJokes/

Why do chickens sit on eggs?
– Because they don’t have chairs.

http://www.funnyworm.com/p/funny-stupid-jokes/

Why does a flamingo stand on one leg?
So it doesn’t fall over.

http://www.funnyworm.com/p/funny-stupid-jokes/

Did you hear about the kidnapping at school?
It’s fine, he woke up.

http://pun.me/pages/dad-jokes.php

I used to have a job at a calendar factory, but I was fired for taking a couple of days off.

http://pun.me/pages/dad-jokes.php

A farmer in the field with his cows counted 196 of them, but when he rounded them up he had 200.

https://www.facebook.com/DadJokes/

What do you get when you cross the Atlantic with the Titanic?
About halfway.

https://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/4h629u/what_joke_is_hilarious_but_takes_a_few_seconds_to/

Why do the French eat snails? Cause they don’t like fast food…

https://www.facebook.com/DadJokes/

Why don’t you see elephants hiding in trees?
-Because they’re really good at it.

http://www.funnyworm.com/p/funny-stupid-jokes/

What’s the best nation in the world?
Donation! Give me $10.

http://www.funnyworm.com/p/funny-stupid-jokes/

The inventor of the throat lozenge has died.
There will be no coffin at his funeral.

https://www.facebook.com/DadJokes/ 

What’s white and can’t climb trees?
A refrigerator.

http://www.funnyworm.com/p/funny-jokes/

A book just fell on my head.
I’ve only got myshelf to blame.

http://www.funnyworm.com/p/funny-jokes/

What’s red and bad for your teeth?
A brick.

http://www.funnyworm.com/p/funny-stupid-jokes/

What’s green, fuzzy and will kill you if it falls from a tree?
A pool table.

http://www.funnyworm.com/p/funny-stupid-jokes/

Did you hear about the Italian chef that died recently?
He pasta way.

http://www.funnyworm.com/p/funny-jokes/

What’s blue and smells like red paint?
– Blue paint.

http://www.funnyworm.com/p/funny-stupid-jokes/

What’s the difference between a bird and a fly?
– A bird can fly but a fly can’t bird.


http://www.inquisitr.com/3219776/these-fathers-day-jokes-quotes-and-sayings-will-crack-dad-up-on-his-special-day/

I once farted on an elevator.
It was wrong on so many levels.

http://www.funnyworm.com/p/funny-jokes/

Last night I was in bed, gazing up at the stars and thinking…
Where is my roof?

http://www.funnyworm.com/p/funny-jokes/

Three blondes walk into a bar.
You’d think one of them would have seen it.

http://www.funnyworm.com/p/funny-jokes/ 

Two fish are in a tank. One turns to the other and says, “How do you drive this thing?”

http://www.funnyworm.com/p/funny-jokes

What did George Washington say after crossing the Delaware River?
– Get out of the boat.

http://www.funnyworm.com/p/funny-jokes/

Do Dads always snore?
– No – only when they are asleep!

http://www.inquisitr.com/3219776/these-fathers-day-jokes-quotes-and-sayings-will-crack-dad-up-on-his-special-day/

What happens to illegally parked frogs?
They get toad.

http://www.funnyworm.com/p/funny-jokes/

What was a more useful invention than the first telephone?
The second one.

http://www.funnyworm.com/p/funny-jokes/

Why was the scarecrow given a promotion?
He was outstanding in his field.

http://www.funnyworm.com/p/funny-jokes/

My Dad disguised himself as a petrol bowser.
He didn’t fuel anyone.

What do you call two women in a canoe?
Kayakkers.

Hey Dad is corn a good crop to grow?
Yep, it’s aMAIZEing!

Hey son I think I broke my bum. Why’s that?
It’s got a big crack in it.

My son asked me to stop singing Oasis songs in public.
I said mayyyyyyyyyybbeeeeeee.

http://www.dailyedge.ie/best-dad-jokes-ever-2829326-Jun2016/

I was walking around the house saying how cold it is.
Dad said, “Go stand in the corner its 90 degrees there.”

http://www.dailyedge.ie/best-dad-jokes-ever-2829326-Jun2016/

I had a few complications last evening. Doctors removed everything on my left side.
I’m all right now.

http://www.dailyedge.ie/best-dad-jokes-ever-2829326-Jun2016/

Dad had a ticket to the Grand Final but realised it clashed with his 20th wedding anniversary dinner. He rang all his friends to see if they wanted to go instead.
He said they would be meeting Mum at Rembrandt’s for dinner at 8.

http://www.dailyedge.ie/best-dad-jokes-ever-2829326-Jun2016/

Dad went into a bookstore and asked for directions to the self help section.
The assistant said if she told him that would be defeating the purpose.

http://www.dailyedge.ie/best-irish-dad-jokes-1443290-Jun2014/

“Dad am I a chip off the old block?”
“More of a peanut than a chip son.”

At the airline check-in Dad was asked if he’d like to leave his baggage.
He said he would like to, but the wife said the kids had to come too.

Dad bought a quad bike.
He said his dirt bike was two tyred.

A ham sandwich walks into a bar and orders a beer.
Bartender says, “Sorry we don’t serve food here.”

https://www.buzzfeed.com/mikespohr/29-dad-jokes-that-are-so-bad-their-actually-good?/

Whenever the cashier at the grocery store asks my dad if he would like the milk in a bag he replies,
‘No, just leave it in the carton!’

https://www.buzzfeed.com/mikespohr/29-dad-jokes-that-are-so-bad-their-actually-good?utm_term=.shp16kB0O#.xcM9ejXGN

Me: ‘Dad, make me a sandwich!’ Dad: ‘Poof, You’re a sandwich!’

https://www.buzzfeed.com/mikespohr/29-dad-jokes-that-are-so-bad-their-actually-good?

Why did the Clydesdale give the pony a glass of water?
Because he was a little horse!

https://www.buzzfeed.com/mikespohr/29-dad-jokes-that-are-so-bad-their-actually-good?

Whenever we drive past a graveyard my dad says, ‘Do you know why I can’t be buried there?’
And we all say, ‘Why not?’ And he says, ‘Because I’m not dead yet!’

www.buzzfeed.com/mikespohr/29-dad-jokes-that-are-so-bad-their-actually-good?utm_term=.shp16kB0O#.xcM9ejXGN

I used to have a job at a calendar factory but I got the sack because I took a couple of days off.

www.buzzfeed.com/mikespohr/29-dad-jokes-that-are-so-bad-their-actually-good?

5/4 of people won’t admit they’re bad with fractions.

www.buzzfeed.com/mikespohr/29-dad-jokes-that-are-so-bad-their-actually-good?

I asked my dad for his best dad joke and he said, ‘You.’

https://www.buzzfeed.com/mikespohr/29-dad-jokes-that-are-so-bad-their-actually-good?

Why did the A go to the bathroom and come out as an E?
Because he had a vowel movement.

mashable.com/2014/06/14/best-dad-jokes

Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded in France?
There was nothing left but de Brie.

mashable.com/2014/06/14/best-dad-jokes/

Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk?
The stock market.

http://mashable.com/2014/06/14/best-dad-jokes/

‘What time is it Dad? ‘I don’t know… it keeps changing.’

mashable.com/2014/06/14/best-dad-jokes/ 

Whiteboards… are remarkable.

mashable.com/2014/06/14/best-dad-jokes/

A man who took an airline company to court after his luggage went missing has lost his case.

www.facebook.com/DadJokes

Been torturing a centipede for the last 98 days… on its last legs now.

www.facebook.com/DadJokes

Why did Shakespeare’s wife walk out on him?
She was sick of all the dramas.

www.facebook.com/DadJokes

Just burned my Hawaiian pizza.
Should’ve put it on aloha temperature.

www.facebook.com/DadJokes

Broken guitar for sale. No strings attached.

www.facebook.com/DadJokes

Broken guitar for sale. No strings attached.

www.facebook.com/DadJokes

My friend bit off his tongue. He doesn’t like to talk about it.

I just bought a thesaurus and when I got it home I found out that all the pages are blank.
I have no words to describe how angry I am.

www.facebook.com/DadJokes/

I buy all my guns from a guy called “T-Rex”. He’s a small arms dealer.

www.facebook.com/DadJokes

Dad: you ever notice when geese fly in a V there’s always one side longer than the other?
Son: yeah, why is that?
Dad: Because there’s more geese on that side.

www.facebook.com/DadJokes

A man appeared in court today and pleaded guilty to damaging a library book by using Correction Fluid on all the full stops…
He’s expecting a long sentence.

www.facebook.com/DadJokes

I picked up a complimentary set of headphones on the way onto the plane.
I put them on and they didn’t say a single nice thing about me!!!
Just my luck to pick up a faulty pair.

www.facebook.com/DadJokes

It’s hard to be a plumber. You watch your life’s work go down the drain.

espeare’s wife walk out on him?
She was sick of all the dramas.

www.facebook.com/DadJokes

“What are your strengths?”
Me: I fall in love easily.
“Okay… what are your weaknesses?”
Me: Those blue eyes of yours.

twitter.com/baddadjokes

Shout out to my grandma. That’s the only way she can hear.

twitter.com/baddadjokes

There are 10 types of people:
Those who understand binary, and those who don’t.

Toasters were the first form of pop-up notifications.

twitter.com/baddadjokes

I really want to buy one of those supermarket checkout dividers, but the lady behind the till keeps putting it back.

twitter.com/baddadjokes

I just read a book about Stockholm syndrome. It was pretty bad at first, but by the end I liked it.

twitter.com/baddadjokes 

I don’t trust stairs. They’re always up to something.

twitter.com/baddadjokes 

If you want a job in the moisturiser industry, the best advice I can give is to apply daily.

twitter.com/baddadjokes

I like riding on elevators. It always give me a lift.

Teacher to class: The Principal’s coming to watch me teach today and I want to impress her. When I ask a question, if you know the answer put your right hand up. If you don’t, put your left hand up.

Dad stopped for petrol and drove off without realising Mum didn’t get back in the car. 50k’s down the road he gets a call from the petrol station telling him what he’s done.
“ Thank God,” Dad says. “ I thought I’d gone deaf.”

When I got the job at the travel agents I knew I’d go places.

Olli the Octopus

Olli the Octopus

When it comes to normal octopuses, they're usually only interested in finding tasty crayfish, swimming about, and picking their noses. Ollie is no ordinary octopus. Ollie has a vision and with the help of his loyal team he'll see it done. His vision is for Australians all over this land girt by sea to enjoy the world's coolest, craziest and quirkiest gifts, adding smiles to faces and laughter to homes. His dream has finally materialised and now everyone has access to Ollie's collection of awesome doodads.